Communicating When You’re Upset - Part Two

Part Two— Emotional Mindfulness

In part one, we discussed several reasons why communicating when you’re upset can be challenging. In conflict, we can become mutually dysregulated from our partner, and the emotional, reactive part of our brain (amygdala) may jump into action before we are consciously aware of what’s going on. We are predisposed to find the reasons for why we feel the way we do in the actions of others rather than ourselves, despite the fact that our internal experience accounts for the majority of what is coming up for us at any given time. Finally, our own unique neural pathways, history and expectations filter how we perceive the present moment.

Emotional mindfulness, as described by psychologist and author Ronald J. Frederick, can be an excellent tool for improving communication with those we care about. Emotional mindfulness combines many of the benefits of general mindfulness– increasing our capacity for focused attention, expanding our general awareness, being more in the “here and now,” noticing the temporality of all things— and applies them to our emotional experiences, particularly in times of stress. When we apply emotional mindfulness to our experiences, including conflict, it increases our ability to notice our general emotional patterns and processes. This is powerful: once we gain awareness of how we tend to feel and react, we begin to consider different ways of being. Noticing this can light up previously unconscious experiences, giving us opportunities to relate to ourselves and others differently, providing more options for how we show up in conflict.

In other words, emotional mindfulness helps connect different regions of the brain, allowing the wiser, collaborative prefrontal cortex to communicate with the emotional, reactive amygdala. Through this process we enhance our ability to tune into our feelings and better manage our symptoms of distress.

Step one: Recognize and name

Paying attention to what is happening within us and labeling it is a crucial first step. Otherwise known by the phrase “name it to tame it,” recognizing what is occurring within is essential to developing awareness. If we don’t know what’s happening for us emotionally— triggered, hurt, or irritated, for example— it is very difficult to improve how we communicate.

While noticing your emotional state in conflict sounds easy, this awareness often takes time to cultivate, particularly for those of us without a lot of experience sensing inward. Recognizing our emotions can begin from a subtle cue— for example, noticing that our body has tensed up or that we are speaking faster. It can be helpful to reflect on the ways in which our bodies and minds tend to react in conflict so we can be on the lookout for our typical responses. Common reactions include feelings of withdrawing (e.g. averting gaze) or an impulse to draw closer (e.g. a sense of urgency).

When recognizing what is coming up, there may be parts of us that resist noticing our emotions— for example, thoughts that we “shouldn’t” be feeling upset, angry or hurt. It can be helpful to acknowledge these parts and their associated thoughts and feelings. Recognizing and naming is about being as honest as possible about our own experience. Emotional mindfulness isn’t about not feeling or thinking certain ways, it’s about tuning into our felt experience. This allows us to later integrate the information that our emotions and/or reactions have to offer us– making decisions informed, rather than ruled by, how we feel.

An example of recognizing and naming:

I notice that I’m getting triggered.

Step two: Stop, drop, and stay

Stop, drop and stay is about slowing down. In this step we take time to notice what is happening for us internally— rather than reacting immediately to what our partner is doing or saying. This is the time to get curious about our feelings– perhaps naming more than one. Along with our emotions, what is happening in our bodies? How can we tell that we’re feeling that emotion? What thoughts are coming up? Again, slowing down sounds easy in theory but can be very challenging in practice— remember, our reactive amygdala is literally wired to respond before the rest of our brain is on board.

Step two is all about learning how to stay with our felt experience. Stop, drop and stay means getting curious about what we noticed— what is going on with me right now? What does this feeling of activation feel like? What does this feeling want to “do?” What would it look like to narrate what is happening within your thoughts, feelings and body?

This step can be especially challenging when we’re in conflict. In order to tune into our inner experience, it can be helpful to ask for a pause or break in the conversation, or to simply take a deep breath and focus on what’s happening within.

An example of stop, drop and stay (in italics):

I notice that I’m getting triggered.

My shoulders are getting tight and I’m avoiding eye contact. I feel angry. I want to lash out.

Step three: Pause and reflect

In step three we go deeper. What are our defenses telling us? What other emotions are present at this moment (e.g. anger) that our defenses might be covering or protecting (e.g. sadness)? Beyond our defenses, some emotions such as anger, anxiety, guilt, or shame often contain a Russian nesting doll of other emotion(s) within.

Here, we continue to be present with our experience while we peek under the hood of our default responses and get in touch with more vulnerable, core beliefs and emotions. Pausing and reflecting helps us further facilitate integration of different areas of the brain. Do we have a sense of what is really causing our reaction? What other parts of our experience are being touched on at this moment?

If it feels difficult to identify other emotions, a feelings wheel or feelings app can help. Once we notice the more tender emotions and cognitions, we want to listen to what they are telling us. What do these emotions fear? What about this moment is concerning them? What do they tell us about the value we place on this relationship? How might deep-rooted beliefs or experiences be showing up in the present moment?

Just like the other steps, pausing and reflecting doesn’t come easy for most of us: it’s a practice. We can develop these skills by practicing pausing and reflecting in smaller moments throughout the day. Exploring our patterns and experiences with a trusted friend, creative practice, or in therapy can help as well.

An example of pause and reflect (in italics):

I notice that I’m getting triggered. My shoulders are getting tight and I’m avoiding eye contact. I feel angry. I want to lash out.

As I sit with this anger, I realize that there is a part of me that feels hurt and sad about what my partner just said. When I feel like my partner is ignoring me when I get home, I feel worried that my partner doesn’t care for me or love me anymore. I feel rejected.

Part four: Mindfully relate

Here we put all the pieces together, communicating with our partner from a place of awareness of what is really going on with us. When we speak from a place that is in tune with our core experience, we not only increase our capacity for understanding ourselves, our partner is more likely to be able to hear where we are coming from. Relating mindfully means integrating the wisdom in our emotions with our wants and needs. Rather than following our default reactions, mindful relating allows us to harness everything we notice and engage in a way that is informed by our values. When we use emotional mindfulness, we are harnessing the innate wisdom that our emotions hold in a way that can bring us closer to, rather than push us away, from others.

Out of the three steps, part four is about tangible action: we are making the internal external. For most of us, relating this way can feel like a huge risk— opening up and sharing thoughts, feelings, and parts of ourselves that we usually keep private is not easy! Oftentimes, past experiences confirmed that this kind of vulnerability is not only terrifying, but unsafe in a relationship, that we need to keep these experiences under lock and key. Mindfully relating, like all of the steps, is a practice: a skill we can continue to work on and develop. The more we incorporate mindfully relating, as with all the steps, the easier it becomes to access these ways of being with self and other.

An example of mindfully relating (in italics):

I notice that I’m getting triggered. My shoulders are getting tight and I’m avoiding eye contact. I feel angry. I want to lash out.

As I sit with this anger, I realize that there is a part of me that feels sadness and shame about what my partner just said— like I’m never enough. My partner’s criticism brings up feelings of helplessness, like I can’t please her or do anything right.

“I’m noticing that your frustration is bringing up feelings of sadness, overwhelm; like I’m not enough. Then I feel terrified that I won’t be able to make you happy, and then you’ll leave me.”

Next Steps

Incorporating even small amounts of emotional mindfulness can have a transformative impact on our communication patterns. These four steps are designed to be used in sequence, but they can also be helpful on their own. Getting curious about our experience through naming it, slowing down, and looking closer at what we’re going through are practices that take work— and are highly individual. When practicing the steps, try noticing which ones may come easier or be more challenging, as well as looking out for familiar patterns, narratives, or somatic experiences.

If you’re looking for support with exploring your inner landscape and/or communicating with loved ones, individual and/or couples therapy can help. Call us at 215-922-5683 x 100 to speak to a clinician that can help connect you with the right therapist or book directly on our website here.

Communicating When You’re Upset – Part Two

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