The neurobiology of conflict
Understanding our nervous system can be helpful when it comes to having compassion— and understanding what is happening– for ourselves and our loved ones in conflict. Sometimes the ways your brain and body are functioning make communicating when you’re upset difficult. In this article (part one), I’ll describe what occurs physically when we get activated or stressed, and how our hard-wired responses can, at times, make things difficult for us to respond the way we’d like. In part two I’ll break down how we can work with, rather than against, our default reactions, finding our way back to authentic connection.
Interdependence, threat, & safety
Interdependence, or mutual dependence, is wired into our brains and bodies. Despite cultural scripts that emphasize and encourage independence and self-reliance, our survival has historically been tied to other people. In other words, we have developed to literally need each other to survive. While some adults may no longer technically need others to live, our neurobiological systems are designed to do what it takes to stay connected to those that matter to us. Attachment theory attempts to make sense of how this innate interdependence works; emphasizing the role of early experience in creating templates for how we see and behave in relationship.
Our understanding of threat— if it is showing up or not within a given context— completely changes depending on how our nervous system is primed to respond to a given scenario. When we anticipate a threat, we see and experience our surroundings in a specific way. To illustrate the impact of our threat response, imagine a calm ocean scene of waves beating against the beach to a soundtrack of ambient, soothing music. Fill in some details— for example, a breeze blowing across the surface of the water, grass waving in the dunes. Breathe into the feeling of this image with a relaxing, soothing soundtrack.
Then imagine the exact same scenario but replace the audio with the Jaws theme. Notice how the details that may have felt soothing in the first image (such as the breeze running through the grass) now may seem foreboding, menacing. The whole scene, while identical visually, probably feels a lot different.
This is what happens to our nervous system when we are feeling safe versus threatened. The ocean scene is the environment that we are in—what is happening around us—and the soundtrack is our system’s perception of safety. Experiences of literal lack of safety are, of course, possible in relationships. That said, it’s also common that our nervous system perceives threat— priming our bodies for fight, fight, or freeze— in a situation where there is no real danger to us. These responses— our “music”— is not conscious, it happens automatically in response to both what is happening in the moment and from our learned patterns and experiences.
Co-regulation, dysregulation
Communicating when you’re upset can be impacted by the emotional states of others. Amazingly, science reveals that we tend to read other people's emotions easier than our own. Mirror neurons automatically respond to the expression of other people’s feelings as if they are ours and are, as one might expect, considered to be the foundation of empathy. You have observed mirror neurons if you’ve ever noticed how your body language looks just like the person’s you are sitting and talking to or if you’ve ever noticed how being around a particularly anxious person has piqued your own anxiety.
Mirror neurons are proof that it’s natural for other people’s emotions– particularly those we love and care about– to have an impact on us. Comprehending this can be useful, as we can then acknowledge and adapt to the influence that others are having on our ability to self-regulate and guide us to better understand how we may affect others. Our nervous systems have the capacity to calm each other down, feel more grounded and safe when we co-regulate. The opposite is also possible— our reactions and corresponding emotional states can move with each other into a state of dysregulation, like a domino effect. When we’re in conflict with our partners, mutual dysregulation can impact the course of what’s happening between us, often without our conscious understanding.
Relational Parts of the Brain
Our amygdala is the first responder of our brain. The amygdala, our stress response system’s job is to detect threats and quickly respond. Notably, this response can occur independently of the rest of our thinking, evolved brain. If, while driving, you’ve ever suddenly swerved to avoid hitting something unexpected, or instinctively avoided stepping something nasty on the sidewalk before fully recognizing what it was, you have experienced your amygdala in action.
Our amygdala shows up relationally too, processing emotions and facial expressions before we are consciously aware of them. And, individual amygdalas each process interpersonal information differently. The amygdala is designed to be sensitive to threat and, if detected, rings the alarm at full volume. The amygdala is not able to be modulated by itself and cannot be turned off without other parts of the brain.
The hippocampus is the part of our brain that connects us with others and plays a part in learning, memory, exploration, creativity, imagination, decision-making, character judgments, empathy and language. This part of the brain is also responsible for creating explicit memories, or, in other words, conscious remembering (for example, the same of the street you grew up on and all other password verification questions).
The creation of our sense of self, as well as our self awareness, are both connected to the hippocampus. It’s also responsible for our personal narrative and story: helping us see events of our lives as connected rather than disparate fragments. It is through the hippocampus in which we can also update our narratives, ways of seeing the world.
The hippocampus connects the amygdala and our prefrontal cortex. Our prefrontal cortex, or PFC, doesn’t finish developing until adulthood. It is responsible for our ability to self-regulate and plan for the future— the PFC is our “wise mind,” reminding us of the potential consequences of our actions. When we make decisions, create goals, control our impulses or problem solve, we are using our PFC.
The impact of stress on the brain
When we are stressed or triggered during an argument, our brain changes how it processes information. Stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline can decrease the influence of our PFC. Sometimes, stress results in a complete cut off from the PFC and the hippocampus. This “amygdala hijack” leads to dysregulation, activation, and our system identifying the current situation as an intense threat that needs to be dealt with immediately via fight, flight or freeze. Our amygdalas cannot discern which threats are life threatening (e.g. a car hurling towards us) or not (e.g. our partner’s disapproving face). Each individual’s unique system and experiences determine how their amygdala responds. And, as you can imagine, an amygdala hijack can wreak havoc on your ways of communicating when you’re upset.
Without the PFC on board, an amygdala hijack during our stress response system runs the show. With the hippocampus also out of the picture, we also lose the sense of having a past or future– the present moment can feel like literally everything. During an amygdala hijack we are also less likely to show empathy toward our partners, be in tune with our relational values, or consider the impact of our words or actions on our relationship.
Putting it into practice - what this means in the moment
We move through the world with a dual awareness, observing what’s going on around us (environment) as well as what is happening within our body. As humans, we tend to greatly overestimate the influence of our environment when we explain our reactions to ourselves or others. It is thought that the information we receive from our gut and our bodies accounts for a whopping eighty percent of what we’re responding to at any moment. Because this is something we are usually unaware of, we tend to make sense of our experience by focusing exclusively on what others are doing.
Our defensive reactions are bodily responses hardwired within us that we developed at one time to help us get through past experiences. We are each uniquely set up to expect and anticipate certain types of behavior from others (such as care, dismissiveness) which are influenced by our experiences with early caregivers as well as culture, community, relationships and systems.
Physiological responses to relational stress can look many ways, including: a sense of urgency, righteousness, talking quickly, increased attention, feeling that something needs to happen, avoiding certain topics, shutting down, or wanting to withdraw or pull away. It’s common to react before we’re even consciously aware that we’re even activated– remember, our amygdala is the first responder. Improving communication in conflict usually starts by working against our natural inclinations to focus externally (e.g. what our partner is saying or doing) and noticing what’s happening in our nervous system. Effectively communicating when you’re upset requires, at the most basic level, getting curious about what’s happening within. It can be helpful to get familiar with the types of default defenses that we tend to experience so we can swiftly notice when we are in a reactive or defensive state.
Stay tuned for the second part of this series for some tips on putting these concepts to work. If you’re looking for support when it comes to communicating with your loved ones, individual and/or couples therapy can help. Call us at 215-922-5683 x 100 to speak to a clinician that can help connect you with the right therapist or book directly on our website here.
