How to be Authentic
Have you ever left a conversation thinking: “I wish I said what I really felt”? Or have you ever sat across from someone as they talked, and quietly wondered, “Why are we even talking about this right now?” but said nothing?
If the answer is yes, then you’re not alone.
Most of us are used to operating in a relational “autopilot” mode that keeps conversations scripted and predictable. When someone asks “How are you?”, we instinctively answer, “Good, how are you?” without pausing to check whether that’s really true.
Keeping things light and surface-level is often perfectly appropriate. We don’t need to pour our hearts out to every barista, coworker, or neighbor we meet. But when it comes to our deeper relationships, shifting out of autopilot and into honesty can be surprisingly hard. Some of us were never taught how to communicate openly; others fear that if we show too much of our inner world, we’ll be judged, misunderstood, or rejected.
Yet the very conversations we avoid—the ones where we risk being more real—are often the ones that create closeness, intimacy, and the sense of being truly seen.
What is Authenticity?
Authenticity has become a buzzword, but in practice, it’s often misunderstood.
Authenticity is not:
blurting out every thought that crosses your mind
oversharing personal details without context or consent
being harsh or unfiltered in the name of “just being honest”
Authenticity in relationships is a courageous practice of bringing more of your inner truth into connection. It means honoring what’s happening in your inner world and conveying it in a way that deepens trust and intimacy.
When we show up authentically, we give others a chance to connect with who we really are. And we allow ourselves the healing experience of being seen, accepted, and valued for our true selves.
But how do we actually do this?
We can think of authenticity as a process that unfolds in four stages:
Mindfulness
Acceptance
Agency
Action
We can walk through these stages using an example, but first, a note about context and safety:
It’s important to note that authenticity doesn’t look the same in every context. Cultural norms, workplace dynamics, family histories, and power differences can all influence how much honesty is considered safe or appropriate to share. In some relationships, being fully open may carry risks, especially if there’s a history of conflict, judgment, or harm. Authenticity is not about forcing vulnerability everywhere, but about discerning when and with whom it feels safe enough to share more of yourself. Sometimes the most authentic choice is protecting your truth until you’re in a context of trust and safety.
What Gets in the Way of Authenticity?
If authenticity can be so valuable, why don’t we practice it more often? There are many reasons people struggle to show up as their full selves in conversation.
Most of us learn early on that certain feelings or needs are “too much” or “not welcome.” Maybe we were told as children to “just stop crying,” or we learned that showing anger led to unmanageable conflict, or that vulnerability wasn’t safe in our family. Over time, we internalize these lessons and develop protective habits: we keep things surface-level, we smile when we’re upset, or we stay quiet rather than risk disapproval or conflict.
Social and cultural factors also play a role. Many environments, such as workplaces, classrooms, and families, reward politeness, harmony, and productivity over authenticity. We may fear being judged as “difficult,” “too sensitive,” or “selfish” if we reveal what’s really happening inside us.
Finally, there’s the universal fear of rejection. To be authentic is to risk showing parts of ourselves that others might not accept. Our nervous system often interprets this as a threat, making avoidance feel safer in the short term. Recognizing these barriers with compassion is the first step toward loosening their hold.
A Working Example
Imagine this: A close friend is venting, again, about a stressful situation at work. You care about them and want to be supportive. At the same time, you feel annoyed and frustrated, because this is not the first time they’ve shared the same story. Part of you wants to listen patiently, but another part wishes you could be honest about how draining this pattern has become.
How do you navigate this situation authentically?
Stage 1: Mindfulness
Authenticity starts with awareness. We can’t be real with others if we don’t first know what’s true for ourselves.
Mindfulness means slowing down enough to notice:
what’s happening in your body (tension, restlessness, warmth)
what emotions are present (frustration, compassion, boredom, sadness)
what thoughts are running through your mind
In our example, a mindful check-in might sound like:
“I notice my stomach muscles are tight. My thoughts are racing. I think I feel both compassion and frustration right now.”
This moment of noticing creates space. Instead of unconsciously snapping at your friend or suppressing your feelings, you’re now aware of what’s alive inside you.
Stage 2: Acceptance
Awareness alone isn’t enough. Often, when we notice something uncomfortable—like annoyance toward a friend we care about—our instinct is to push it away.
Acceptance means allowing your experience to be what it is, without judgment. You don’t have to like the feeling, but you can acknowledge it.
Instead of:
“Ugh, I shouldn’t feel this way. I need to be supportive and just listen.”
Try:
“I feel frustrated right now. I don’t love this feeling, but it’s here. Can I allow it to exist, at least for now?”
Acceptance also includes a deeper trust: the belief that no matter how the other person reacts, you’ll be okay. This doesn’t mean recklessly speaking your mind, but rather recognizing that your worth and safety aren’t determined by another person’s approval.
Stage 3: Agency
Once you’ve accepted your inner experience, the next step is reconnecting with your agency: your ability to choose how you respond.
Agency is about remembering that:
You are not a prisoner of your emotions
You get to decide whether, when, and how to share what’s true
You can take into account context, timing, and relationship dynamics
In our example, connecting with agency might sound like:
“My friend just lost a pet last week, maybe this isn’t the best moment to bring up my frustration.”
“I’ve had a rough day myself, so maybe I should wait until I’m more grounded before addressing this.”
“Actually, this feels like an important moment to be honest, and I want to share in a kind way.”
Agency is what prevents authenticity from becoming impulsive or harmful. It allows us to integrate both honesty and compassion.
Stage 4: Action
Finally, authenticity comes alive through action: choosing a behavior that reflects your truth while honoring your goals for the relationship.
This is where many of us get stuck. Action feels risky. What if they get upset? What if they pull away?
But action doesn’t have to mean a dramatic confession. It can be small, experimental, and gradual. Here are several ways to practice authentic action:
1. Name Your Present Experience
“As I listen, I notice I’m feeling a little restless.”
“Part of me wants to support you, and another part feels a bit stuck.”
“I notice I’m feeling tense as we talk. I imagine this might be because I’ve heard this story a few times and feel unsure how to help.”
These kinds of statements invite connection rather than confrontation.
2. Ask Permission Before Going Deeper
Authenticity respects consent. Try:
“Can I share something that’s coming up for me as I listen?”
“Would it be okay if I tell you how I’m experiencing this?”
This softens the impact and gives the other person choice.
3. Share Impact Without Blame
“When I hear about this situation repeatedly, I feel stuck and unsure how to support you.”
compared to:
“You’re always complaining about the same thing.”
Notice how the first version communicates impact without attack.
4. Experiment with Small Risks
Authenticity is a muscle you build over time. Start with low-stakes experiments:
- Telling a friend, “Actually, I’m feeling tired today” instead of automatically saying “I’m good.”
- Saying, “I felt nervous when you asked me that question,” in a trusted conversation.
Over time, these small actions create confidence for deeper honesty.
In Summary
The four stages— mindfulness, acceptance, agency, action— aren’t rigid steps but a fluid process. Sometimes you move through them quickly; other times you linger. What matters is cultivating awareness, compassion, choice, and courage.
When we risk authenticity, we often discover that the relationship grows stronger, not weaker. Even if the other person reacts with surprise or discomfort, the act of showing up honestly often creates more trust in the long run. And when someone can’t meet us there, we gain valuable clarity about the limits of that relationship.
Authenticity is not about constant raw honesty or dramatic revelations. It’s about gently bringing more of your truth into your conversations, moment by moment.
Next time you feel the tug between “saying what’s expected” and “saying what’s real,” pause. Breathe. Notice what’s happening inside you. Accept your experience. Connect with your agency. And then, with courage and compassion, take one small action toward honesty.
Your authenticity is not only a gift to yourself—it’s also a gift to the people lucky enough to be in connection with you.
If you’re looking for someone to discuss this topic with, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me at (484) 589-0927 or schedule an appointment online.
