Emotional Labor and Relationships

When we think of labor, we often associate it with the physical components; work, chores, and projects quickly come to mind. However, labor also involves the emotional realm, which often connects to our romantic relationships. So, what is emotional labor, and how does it affect your relationships?

Defining Emotional Labor

Parvez (2006), an academic researcher, explains emotional labor as the process in which service workers suppress and/or express certain emotions that are desired for their job. For instance, customers expect waiters and waitresses to be friendly and warm, despite what they may feel internally. Tyrone may be annoyed with his rude and rowdy customers, but he has to be patient and cordial in order to play the part of a good waiter. However, Parvez argues that emotional labor extends into our personal life, as well.

Essentially, emotional labor is the burden associated with forgoing an authentic response. Being calm when you’re actually angry, or being supportive when you actually feel apathetic, are all common examples. To be clear, emotional labor isn’t inherently wrong. Like emotions themselves, emotional labor is natural and can be very beneficial. The problem occurs when we are blind to how much emotional labor that we’re under. Therefore, let’s go over some common examples of how emotional labor affects romantic relationships.

Examples of Emotional Labor

Humans are social creatures; therefore, attributes like empathy and compassion have been significant for our survival. Though these traits are wonderful, it’s easy to overdo them with our romantic partners. Let’s take these two scenarios, for example.

[Eric and Marcus have been together for three years. The beginning of their relationship was full of bliss and excitement, however, Eric recently noticed a change with his partner. Marcus has become more lethargic and apathetic, and was even diagnosed with depression by his therapist. Growing up, Eric’s mother had depression, so he knows firsthand how difficult the disorder can be. This prompted Eric to be as supportive as he can with Marcus.

To help with Marcus’s depression, Eric makes all of the meals, empathetically listens to all of Marcus’s complaints, and always maintain an optimistic image. In actuality, Eric has grown annoyed and exhausted that his needs aren’t being met. “Just get out of bed!”, “Stop being a baby!”, and “Do things for me!” are all a sample of some of Eric’s thoughts. However, he keeps them all to himself. In Eric’s eyes, feeling neglected and angry towards his depressed partner would make him a “bad person.” It wouldn’t be “fair” to hold negative feelings towards a depressed loved one, so Eric suppresses them while emphasizing the positive ones.]

When assessing this scenario, let’s think back to the definition of emotional labor: the process of suppressing or emphasizing certain emotions in order to maintain a desired image. So, how does this apply to Eric and Marcus? Though it is understandable and laudable to support his depressed partner, Eric is overdoing it. By trying to be the perfect listener and caretaker, Eric isn’t allowing himself to express his natural frustration and grief of now having a depressed partner. To further showcase emotional labor, let’s look at another scenario.

[Mei and Anthony are recently married. Despite his job suddenly flooding him with work, Anthony wants to keep the newlywed passion alive. He often flirts and initiates sex with Mei, even after being exhausted with work. Mei is verbally thrilled with their sex life, which makes it even harder for Anthony to tone things down.

Internally, Anthony is tired most nights, and would rather do passive activities with Mei, like watching movies. However, he hides this exhaustion in order to be a “good” newlywed. Anthony often tells himself, “Only old couples watch movies instead of having sex”, and “Fun husbands want to have sex.” Anthony never expressed these thoughts nor his exhaustion to Mei, fearing that she would be disappointed in him as a partner.]

So, how does emotional labor apply for this scenario? Anthony has certain feelings at the end of his day: exhaustion and stress. However, he puts those emotions to the side for more “favorable” ones: passion, energy, and virility. Anthony is putting himself through high emotional labor by not communicating his real feelings, all because he fears that Mei would see him as a “boring” husband.

In both scenarios, there is a pressure to act in a “desired” way. Eric and Anthony are both suppressing certain emotions in order to fill their perceived criteria of a good partner. Once again, it’s not wrong to make compromises within a relationship. Instead, it’s a matter of how much you’re giving up in order to make the other person happy.

Caveats

This article has focused a lot on the negative aspects of emotional labor. However, it’s important to remember that emotional labor does have its use. For example, if you are irritated with your toddler, it’s important to set your feelings to the side. Yelling at them might feel good, but it probably isn’t healthy for your toddler. Similarly, it could be problematic to be clearly apathetic when hearing your partner complain about work. Like emotions themselves, emotional labor requires balance. Too little of emotional labor is just as bad as too much of it.

Final Thoughts

Emotional labor is the process of suppressing and/or emphasizing certain emotions in order to maintain a desired image. Though emotional labor is essential for our social world, we have a tendency to overdo it. By feeling one way and behaving in a contradictory way, it prevents us from getting our authentic needs met. This isn’t a significant issue for workers like Tyrone, who waits tables. However, undergoing strong emotional labor can be hazardous for our romantic relationships. Fortunately, by understanding the concept emotional labor, you are now more equipped to prevent its overabundance in your relationships.

To speak with a TCFG therapist call at 215-922-5683 Ext. 100 or if you prefer quietly setting yourself up for an appointment, you can self schedule an inperson or virtual codependency therapy appointment.

Our Guarantee: If after your first session you are not sold that you are working with the right therapist, do not hesitate to call our intake line at 215 922 5683 x 100 or Alex at (267) 324-9564 and ask to be rescheduled with another therapist. The choice of how you want to proceed is yours. Our only goal is to support you in becoming the best you possible.

For your convenience, we have brick and mortar offices and work with clients virtually in Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.

Physical Therapy Office Locations:

Ocean City Therapy Office 360 West Ave, Floor 1, Ocean City, NJ 08226
Mechanicsville Therapy Office 9044 Mann Drive, Mechanicsville Virginia, 23116
Society Hill Therapy Office 233 S. 6th Street, C-33, Philadelphia PA 19106
Art Museum / Fairmount Therapy Office 2401 Pennsylvania Ave, Suite 1a2, Philadelphia PA 19130
Providence Therapy Office 173 Waterman St. Providence, RI 02906
Fayetteville Therapy Office 101 Devant Street #606, Fayetteville GA 30214
Santa Fe Therapy Office, 2204 B Brothers Road, Santa Fe, New Mexico, 87505
Telemedicine Therapy Locations: We have therapists who are licensed to work in Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania and Virginia and Pennsylvania

Therapy Services Offered in Fayetteville, Ocean City, Mechanicsville, Philadelphia, Providence, Santa Fe:

Individual Counseling and therapy
Couples Counseling and marriage counseling
Teen Therapy and Adolescent Therapy and tweens and child counseling
Family Therapy and multi-generational counseling
Art Therapy and Counseling no art skills needed
ADHD Therapy and ADD, Dyslexia, Autism, Tourettes counseling
Anxiety, Panic, OCD Therapy and worry and fear support
Breaking the cycle of Codependency and being your own person
Overcoming Chronic Illness and Chronic Pain .
Depression Therapy and sadness, gloom, and upset support
Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) Therapy is a particular style of therapy designed for people with problems affecting their nervous system, how the brain and body send and receive signals.
Grief Therapy and loss, End of A Relationship, rejections, pregnancy and loss and therapy
Mindfulness Based Therapy and spirituality based therapy
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery child of, parent of, spouse of, sibling of a narcissist.
Sex Therapy and sexual function & dysfunction, sex addiction, sexual orientation and gender identity support
Shame and Blame
Trauma Therapy both emotional and sexual abuse, complex trauma, PTSD counseling
Divorce support
Affairs, Infidelity, Unfaithful, Cheating counseling
Parenting therapy
Personality disorder treatments Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic
Anger Management Therapy
Setting Boundaries and identifying ones own Core Beliefs
Just name some of the Mental Health issues that we work with. Our goal is to help you Change and Achieve Your Dreams

Posts by Center for Growth Therapists

Related Posts