Pornography and Betrayal Trauma
Is viewing pornography cheating? Well, I think it depends on who you ask. For some couples, viewing pornography can be a form of sexual joining, while other couples will see one’s viewing of pornography as a form of betrayal trauma or violation to the trust of the relationship. For the latter, there are many reasons that justify this viewpoint. In this article, we will explore how pornography is often viewed as cheating, how to assess if your pornography viewing is problematic, and what to do to repair your relationship if viewing pornography has caused conflict in your relationship due to the partner feeling betrayed by it.
How is Pornography Viewed as Cheating?
Like most other relationship difficulties, viewing pornography as cheating is a common belief, especially around non-cheating partners who do not view much porn, if at all. It can create a rift not only in the bedroom, but pornography viewing can lead to tension and mistrust among partners especially if the pornography watcher is doing it secretly or lying about it (like having an affair). Here are some common beliefs that the pornography viewer may be thinking when this issue comes up as a problem from their partner:
- “I am not having sex with other people, just looking at a screen”
- “It’s not like [my partner] will catch an STD if I look at porn”
- “I just look at it for masturbation purposes”
- “It’s not like I pay for it”
- “It is convenient stimulation for me if you [partner] are not in the mood for sex and I am.”
- “This is just something I do late at night, it is not like I am not committed to the relationship.”
- “Isn't it better than me actually having an affair or sleeping with another person outside of the relationship?”
- “I did not think you minded it since we have watched porn together in the past.”
Although some of the above statements may make sense to the porn viewer themselves, their partner can have a totally different view on the subject (no pun intended). From the partner’s perspective, it is easy to feel insecure, jealous, or even enraged that the person whom they share the most physical, intimate experiences with is getting sexually satisfied by someone else, other than them, despite the porn watcher not even knowing the actors personally.
For the partner, they may see pornography as cheating because of their own belief system that is likely rooted in betrayal trauma. Simply put, betrayal trauma is defined as any person or system that violates a person’s trust. The “trauma” part parallels symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) such as the partner perseverating on the betrayal and unable to let go of the mistrust that results from porn viewing, or any other sexual betrayal. This is especially true when the sexually compulsive behavior was done in secret, the partner was lied to about the amount, frequency, and content of the images viewed, and any instances of manipulation or gaslighting that the porn viewer may have implemented to cover up their desire and/or compulsion to view porn. Other traumatic symptoms, aside from the pervasive lack of trust and obsessive thinking, includes insomnia, anxiety, flashbacks, self-loathing, and a shattered sense of reality; all due to the partner having been deceived about the betrayer’s seeking sexual gratification outside of their relationship; the one place where sexual intimacy is often expected and valued between two people that are committed to each other (unless there is mutual consent for each partner to open their relationship to other avenues of sexual gratification).
Betrayal trauma operates similarly in the brain of the deceived partner to PTSD. For many skeptics, they do not want to align viewing pornography with a more classic traumatic event such as a past history of abuse, but the area of the brain where traumatic memories are stored do not distinguish or put a value on one traumatic experience or another. In this context, viewing pornography compulsively, secretly, and lying about it is just as much a violation of trust as cheating on your partner with another live person. Couple this with sexual consequences in the relationship such as poor performance (erectile dysfunction, premature or delayed ejaculation), a lack of interest in sex or even being hypersexual, mismatched desire, and even self-centered sexual performance like the betrayer not having an interest in mutual sexual satisfaction with their partner, are other consequences that could result from compulsive pornography viewing.
Is the Porn Viewing Compulsive?
Most folks would likely agree that if a person’s viewing of porn is causing “problems” (deceitful actions, unsatisfying sexual performance issues, relationship tensions such as resentment and anger from the betrayed partner, and the porn becoming sexually compulsive) then it is a problem! In a committed relationship where a behavior affects both partners, it is a relationship problem that needs to be addressed (if you want to repair the loss of trust that comes from pornography viewing). Aside from the reasons cited above, it is possible that the person viewing pornography in these secret ways, may actually have a compulsion to it. Below are some indicators that this is the case and should be assessed by a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) or another mental health professional with experience in this area:
- Making efforts (or promises) to cut back, reduce, or quit viewing porn unsuccessfully, meaning that the boundaries the porn viewer is setting up are not consistently followed. This is also known as loss of control.
- Is the porn viewing causing problems or distress in the person looking at the porn (or the partner) such as the behavior interfering with the sense of trust and safety in the relationship, frequent arguments over the lack of honesty or deceit, poor performance sexually or with other role obligations such as not doing well at work or school.
- Preoccupation- takes up a lot of time and/or mental space focused on sex or pornography that serves as an “escape” from daily life stresses or emotions.
- The viewing of porn is increasing in frequency (doing it more often or longer than planned) or the content of the porn becoming more novel, atypical, or kinky due to the original baseline level of porn no longer being arousing (this is also known as increased tolerance).
These are some of the main symptoms that the person’s pornography viewing is compulsive and therefore may be more of a disorder outside of just relationship or desire differences. Again, this should be professionally assessed if you are not sure.
How to Repair a Betrayed Relationship Caused by Porn Use?
Whether a person’s pornography viewing is considered a compulsion or a relationship problem, if there is a desire to repair the relationship, then something needs to be done about it. Outside of recommending a sexual assessment, individual therapy, or couple’s counseling, some of the suggestions listed below will help both the porn viewer and the partner get back to the level of trust (or even more so) then what was there before this problem was discovered.
- Setting up barriers and boundaries to help safeguard the porn viewer from viewing any sexual imagery online. This could include “porn blockers” such as Covenant Eyes, Canopy, or the Freedom App.
- Allow for complete and total transparency. This means allowing the betrayed partner access to view all devices (Ipads, laptops, phones, etc) where the Internet is available.
- The couple would be recommended to meet for a weekly “check-in” to discuss how they are feeling about this change process, rather than the topic going unspoken or ignored.
- For either partner to seek “sober support” via support groups or Twelve Step meetings, (such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, S-Anon, or Co-SLAA, if warranted). This allows both partners to relate to others in similar situations. This problem does not have to be faced just within the relationship.
- Learn more about sexual compulsion, problematic pornography viewing, and betrayal trauma by reading books on the topic or listening to a wide variety of webinars or podcasts on the subject.
The main goal of any relationship repair, whether it is due to sexual compulsion, cheating, or some other sexually related betrayal trauma, is to restore an experience of trust and safety. Rebuilding trust takes a lot of time as the betrayed partner may be hypervigilant to not be “fooled again.” Aside from abstaining from viewing pornography, there is a lot of “work” to be done to re-create the loss of trust and safety and not just assume if the porn goes away, then the “problem” goes away. If it turns out that the porn viewing is compulsive, then for both partners to do their “own work” will yield the most promising outcome. In other words, at this juncture, it is not just the porn viewer with the problem, but the triggering effects stemming from the loss of trust and safety in the relationship that is also the issue (on behalf of the betrayed partner).
In conclusion, viewing pornography can be a problem in many ways, especially if you are in a relationship with another sexual partner. It may not be sleeping with another live person, but turning to sexual images for the purpose of arousal or emotional escape that is not your significant other can have the same effect on the betrayed partner as if you were.
You do not have to go through this alone. If you or your betrayed partner want to get professional help by a CSAT, please feel free to reach out to me, Rick Snyderman at The Center for Growth and set up an Intake. I can be reached at 267-428-2608, [email protected] or directly through our website at www.thecenterforgrowth.com.
