Sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others is one of the most fulfilling ways to establish closeness, intimacy, and safety in a relationship. But when your emotions are dismissed, belittled, or questioned, that connection is damaged. Over time, this process of emotional invalidation can be the downfall of relationships, even when everything else seems ‘perfect’.
As humans, we have a need to feel seen, heard, and valued. We need to know that our partners care about our well-being and want to be part of making our lives as fulfilling and happy as possible. In our lowest moments, we want to know our partner has our back and will be there to lean on without judgment. When our emotions are not being recognized it tarnishes our ability to feel secure with others, and with ourselves, instilling the belief that our experiences are not important, acceptable, or valid.
While you may have heard the terms ‘emotional invalidation’ and ‘gaslighting’ used in conjunction, it’s important to distinguish between the two. Gaslighting, or making someone question their own reality or sanity, is commonly known to be intentional and a signifier of emotional abuse. Gaslighting is just one form of emotional invalidation, and not all emotional invalidation is done intentionally.
Individuals who grow up without the space to explore and express their emotions will often invalidate their own emotions as well as others’ emotions. They have learned that emotions are not ‘safe’, ‘normal’, or ‘acceptable’. Therefore, understanding and being compassionate of others' emotions is difficult, especially when they are unable to cope with the discomfort that comes with such vulnerability.
When you are in a relationship where you feel your emotions are not taken seriously, it can breed self-doubt, suppression, and loneliness. More importantly, it can manifest in anxiety, depression, destructive behaviors, self-abandonment, or neglecting your needs. Emotional invalidation can be traumatic, and alters how we think and act. When there are consistent patterns of emotional invalidation, we see relationships fall apart. Cyclical emotional invalidation can cause common relationship struggles like infidelity, repetitive arguments, loss of passion/romance, and detachment.
So how can we learn to validate our partner’s emotions?
- Active Listening: Showing that you are present and engaged with your partner when they are sharing will create a sense of closeness and show your partner that they are important to you. It will also help you as a listener to better understand them if there are fewer distractions.
- Believe them: If they say it’s important. It may not be a perspective you have, or something that bothers or excites you, but they want to share their experience with you because it means something to them. Now is not the time to convince them otherwise.
- Stay curious: Open up the conversation and ask how they feel; what about the situation makes them feel that way; how long they have felt this way, as well asking them how different interventions might feel to how you can support them. Curiosity shows that you want to know more about them. Curiosity also helps clear up misunderstandings that might cause conflict down the road.
- Hold their hand through it: Affection can go a long way when you want to make someone feel valued and less alone. Being vulnerable can be hard, and your partner might feel supported knowing that they are loved. A compassionate physical presence can sometimes work better than saying the ‘right’ thing.
Sometimes it can be hard to identify when emotional invalidation is happening, especially if it's the norm in your relationship.
Let’s put these tips in action...
Scenario 1:
- Partner A: I feel overwhelmed with the amount of daily chores I’m responsible for… Would you be able to help me?
- Partner B: I do so much already! I’m tired and stressed too! I’m not having this conversation.
Partner A is expressing that they are overwhelmed and in need of support. Partner B becomes frustrated after assuming they are being criticized for not doing enough. Ultimately, they overshadow Partner A’s emotions with their reaction and shut the conversation down in order to avoid negative emotions or taking on more chores. Partner A is left feeling guilty for making their partner angry, and that their stress is not important enough to address.
How can we reframe the conversation to be emotionally validating?
- Partner A: I feel overwhelmed with the amount of daily chores I’m responsible for… Would you be able to help me?
- Partner B: Of course, you have been doing a lot… What chore feels the most overwhelming right now?
In this scenario reframe, Partner B receives their partner’s feelings, expresses that they can understand why Partner A is overwhelmed, and approaches the conversation with curiosity, asking for more information so they can provide the support their partner needs.
Scenario 2:
- Partner A: I don’t like when you speak to me that way, it makes me feel stupid. I’m not going to be able to finish this conversation if it continues.
- Partner B: Why are you so sensitive? You’re acting like I’m a horrible person.
Partner A is expressing a boundary. They do not like how they are being treated and they are attempting to draw a line in order to stop it from happening. Partner B doesn’t understand why their partner is bothered and believes they are overreacting. Partner B feels rejected when Partner A expresses that they are willing to walk away from the conversation. After the emotionally invalidating response, Partner A begins to question if they are stupid and too sensitive, and apologizes. Ultimately, Partner A learns that placing a boundary is an overreaction, and boundaries upset their partner.
How can we reframe the conversation to be emotionally validating?
- Partner A: I don’t like when you speak to me that way, it makes me feel stupid. I’m not going to be able to finish this conversation if it continues.
- Partner B: I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you feel stupid. Do you want to take a breather? We can come back to this conversation later.
In this scenario reframe, Partner B apologizes, places value in their partner's feelings, and expresses that they do not want to treat them that way. Partner B then pauses the conversation, and checks in– allowing Partner A to express what they need, and demonstrates that Partner B takes their partner’s boundary seriously.
Scenario 3:
- Partner A: I’m really stressed and nervous about my work presentation tomorrow.
- Partner B: I wish I only had a presentation to worry about. It’ll be fine. No need to stress, at least you have a job.
Partner A is reaching out to their partner for a shoulder to lean on. They want to feel heard and validated, because, to them, this presentation is important. Partner B doesn’t get nervous giving presentations and is more stressed about deadlines at their own job, so they don’t see a reason for Partner A to be worried. In an attempt to show Partner A that the presentation isn’t worth their worry, Partner B offers a perspective akin to ‘it could be worse, so don’t complain.’ While Partner B may have all the best intentions, this interaction leaves Partner A feeling like they are wrong and lesser for being nervous.
How can we reframe the conversation to be emotionally validating?
- Partner A: I’m really stressed and nervous about my work presentation tomorrow.
- Partner B: [Gives Partner A a hug] Do you want to talk it through? If not, I can cook dinner so you have time to relax.
In this scenario reframe, Partner B shows they are present in the conversation by directing all attention to their partner, and offering gentle affection. Partner B then offers some ways they are able to support Partner A, in the hopes of alleviating some stress. Partner B opens up the conversation so Partner A can clarify what they are looking for, ie. processing time to prepare or alone time to decompress. Providing options shows them that Partner B values their needs and is open to hearing what they want.
Scenario 4:
- Partner A: I feel uncomfortable by how close you and your coworker have become. It seems like something deeper is going on between you. Can we talk about it?
- Partner B: Don’t be so paranoid, we are friends. You’ve even said you’re happy that I’m making new friends.
Partner A is expressing discomfort with what they are seeing in Partner B’s relationship with their coworker. Something has made them feel insecure and wants to talk about what they see. Partner B feels like they are being accused of something, and gets frustrated and deflects by accusing Partner A of being paranoid and going back on their word. This response leads Partner A to question what they see and feel.
How can we reframe the conversation to be emotionally validating?
- Partner A: I feel uncomfortable by how close you and your coworker have become. It seems like something deeper is going on between you. Can we talk about it?
- Partner B: Yeah, what would you like to talk about?
In this scenario reframe, Partner B hears that Partner A is uncomfortable by what they are seeing. Partner B recognizes that Partner A needs clarity and reassurance about the situation and senses its importance. Partner B accepts the request to talk about it and allows Partner A the space to request what they want.
Scenario 5:
- Partner A: I’ve been really low recently, I could just cry all the time. I think I’m depressed, again.
- Partner B: I’m sorry you feel that way. I know it will get better soon.
Partner A is expressing their concern that their mental health is declining, and they are not feeling well. Partner B recognizes that Partner A is not feeling well, and they don’t like that but attempts to lift them up by saying it will get better. While Partner B’s optimism is coming from a place of hope, it minimizes Partner A’s experience and invalidates their knowledge of their own mental health and depression. Partner A feels misunderstood and if things do not get better, they are less likely to share it because it might go against what Partner B hopes for.
How can we reframe the conversation to be emotionally validating?
- Partner A: I’ve been really low recently, I could just cry all the time. I think I’m depressed, again.
- Partner B: [Gives partner a hug.] I’m here with you, and I love you.
In this scenario reframe, Partner B shows their love with a hug and expresses their love verbally. This emphasizes that Partner A is important to them, and valued even when they are not at their best. . Partner B refrains from offering solutions or new perspectives, instead, they establish themselves as supportive, compassionate, and accepting of their partner.
If you relate to any of these scenarios and want to increase emotional validation and intimacy in your relationship. Contact the Center for Growth to self-schedule an in-person or online appointment today.
At TCFG you can schedule directly online with a therapist or by calling (215) 922-LOVE (5683) ext 100 and speaking with our intake department. Lastly, you can call our Director, “Alex” Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, LCSW at (267) 324–9564 to discuss your particular situation. For your convenience, we have six physical mental health counseling / therapy offices. We provide mental health counseling and talk therapy both inperson and virtually.
- Ocean City Therapy Office
360 West Ave, Floor 1, Ocean City, NJ 08226 - Mechanicsville Therapy Office
9044 Mann Drive, Mechanicsville Virginia, 23116 - Providence Therapy Office
173 Waterman St. Providence, RI 02906 - Society Hill Therapy Office
233 S. 6th Street, C-33, Philadelphia PA 19106 - Art Museum / Fairmount Therapy Office
2401 Pennsylvania Ave, Suite 1a2, Philadelphia PA 19130 - Santa Fe Therapy Office, 2204 B Brothers Road, Santa Fe, New Mexico, 87505
- Telemedicine: We have therapists who are licensed to work in Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, and Virginia.
OUR GUARANTEE: you deserve the best couples counselor or marriage therapist possible. If you don't feel like the couples therapist that you met with was the right fit, then free of charge you can try out a different therapist. Being in a group practices allows for flexibility.
The Center for Growth has offices in multiple states. We offer both Couples Counseling and Marriage Therapy inperson as well as virtual appointments.
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