“Why Did I Stay So Long?” Narcissistic Abuse
Therapist to Client Narrative
I want you to know — if you’ve ever looked back on a relationship and asked yourself,
“Why did I stay so long?”
“Why couldn’t I see it?”
— you’re not alone.
These questions are common, especially after narcissistic abuse. And they don’t mean you failed. They mean you survived something incredibly disorienting and painful.
Often when we think of abuse, we picture yelling, hitting, or obvious cruelty. But emotional abuse — especially from someone with narcissistic traits — doesn’t always look like that. Sometimes, the harm hides behind affection. Behind sweet “I miss you” texts. Shared playlists. Tender moments that felt like love.
That’s what no one really prepares us for.
And it’s part of what makes this kind of abuse so confusing.
You didn’t fall in love with someone cruel.
You fell in love with someone who seemed to understand you.
By the time the cracks started showing, you were already attached — not to who they really were, but to the version they presented: the one who made you feel seen, safe, and special.
That’s how the trap is built.
There’s a well-known cycle in abusive relationships:
Tension → Explosion → Remorse → Calm → Repeat.
But with narcissistic abuse, the cycle is often quieter, subtler.
It doesn’t always explode — it erodes.
It confuses you before it wounds you. It undermines your sense of reality, often without raising a voice.
Let’s look at how this cycle unfolds.
1. Idealization — The Hook
In the beginning, it probably felt like a fairytale.
They moved fast, texted constantly, said all the right things. They wanted a future. They mirrored your values, laughed at your jokes, listened with intensity. It felt like true intimacy.
But there’s a difference between intimacy and intensity.
They weren’t connecting to build with you — they were collecting information.
Your hopes, your fears, your insecurities — especially your wounds — became useful to them.
Not to support you, but to gain leverage.
They weren’t falling in love with you.
They were figuring out how to keep you invested — how to make you feel chosen, so you'd stay.
And when we look back, it often becomes clear:
It wasn’t love.
It was strategy.
2. Devaluation — The Shift You Couldn’t Quite Name
Then something shifted. Maybe you set a boundary. Maybe you had an emotional need. Maybe you just said "no."
Suddenly, the warmth you once felt vanished.
You became:
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Too sensitive
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Too needy
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Not who they thought you were
Criticism replaced connection.
Affection turned into confusion.
One moment they were cold, the next — just when you were desperate for reassurance — they offered you a crumb of affection.
This wasn’t you being dramatic.
This was conditioning.
They were testing: How much of yourself will you shrink to stay close to me?
And if you ever reacted — if you raised your voice, cried, got frustrated, or shut down — suddenly, you were “the abuser.”
That’s called reactive abuse:
They push you until you break, and then point to your breaking point to claim you’re the unstable one.
It’s often followed by a tactic called DARVO:
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Deny what happened
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Attack your response
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Reverse Victim and Offender
Suddenly, they’re the victim.
And you’re the problem.
3. Gaslighting & The Fawn Response
They may have said things like:
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“That’s not how it happened.”
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“You’re remembering it wrong.”
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“You’re too emotional.”
And after enough repetition, you started to wonder… Am I?
So you began asking for less.
You stopped expressing needs.
You started explaining yourself more, soothing them more, trying to be “easier.”
This is the fawn response — a trauma response rooted in survival.
It’s especially common in women and femmes.
You weren’t needy. You were neurologically adapting to protect yourself.
The Cruelest Part?
You began chasing the version of them that once felt safe and loving —
not realizing that version was never real.
They were never offering consistent love.
They were using connection as a tool for control.
And here’s what I want you to know most of all:
This wasn’t your fault.
You weren’t blind — you were manipulated.
You weren’t weak — you were trauma-bonded.
You weren’t unstable — you were doing your best to survive something deeply confusing and painful.
And the fact that you're talking about it now?
That you’re naming it?
That you’re wondering what it all meant?
That means you’re waking up.
And waking up is where healing begins.
