“Speak what we feel , not what we ought to say”
-King Lear
In King Lear, Shakespeare highlights the ways we can feel constrained and suffocated by societal expectations regarding communication. Through his characters, he urges his audience to embrace authentic expression, encouraging them to break free from the confines of conventional language and speak from the heart. This article is designed to help you assess your relationship to the beauty of metaphors. In this article we will discuss the ways in which metaphor based communication is preferred by some, and can be a way of deflecting for others. Ultimately, the goal of this exploration is to deepen our understanding of how metaphor-based communication affects our relationships with ourselves and others.
Attention, Readers! At the bottom of this article, you’ll discover a unique tool you can use while developing your Metaphor Based Communication: a “Metaphor Diary Card.” This resource is inspired by the diary cards commonly used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a therapeutic approach designed to help individuals navigate life’s challenges with mindfulness, structure, and duality. With the insights you gain from this article, the Metaphor Diary Card invites you to reflect and explore your behaviors, communication patterns, and the impact of metaphors in your interactions.
Interpersonal effectiveness (one of the four foundational modules of DBT alongside mindfulness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance) is a skill set that emphasizes balance of communication. It encourages you to meet your own needs and goals while caring for your relationships and self-respect. It’s about finding that sweet spot where your desires, your values, and your connections to others coexist.
But where does Metaphor Based Communication fit into this? For some, metaphors enhance communication, adding depth, creativity, and emotional resonance. For others, they might distract from the message or complicate interactions. The goal of this exercise is to help you reflect: are metaphors a tool in your interpersonal effectiveness toolbox, or are they blocking clarity and connection?
By engaging with the Metaphor Diary Card, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of how your choice of words shapes your relationships and whether this style of communication supports or detracts from your goals. Take this opportunity to explore your patterns, challenge your assumptions, and determine if metaphors are enriching your life—or if it’s time to reconsider how you use them.
The Beauty and Complexity of Metaphor Based communication
Metaphors have been used for centuries by some of the best known writers world wide. Lets look at William Shakespeare for example, he might not have been able to achieve some of his most poetic imagery without them. Through metaphorical expression he was able to explore love, fate, and human nature. Even those well versed in the style of sonnets, will have to read his plays two, three, maybe, four times before having a true understanding of the message Shakespeare is trying to get across.
“It is the east and Juliet is the sun”
-Romeo and Juliet
Metaphors offer a creative way to express complex emotions and abstract ideas, but how much simpler would it be if Romeo just said to Juliet, “I think Juliet's warmth and radiance is beautiful and she plays a central role in my life.” Much more straightforward, much more direct. Although metaphors are beautiful as a linguistic tool to convey comparisons between unrelated concepts, in real life application, the deeper direct meaning can sometimes be lost. So, why could it be that Romeo avoided the “I statement”? Could it be emotional distance, perhaps fear of vulnerability, or is it even as simple as a cultural or cognitive preference. Metaphor based communication allows the speaker to place layers of symbolic language between their emotions, and even the listeners.
I Statements
Have you ever said, “Work is so busy it feels like I am drowning,” when the underlying meaning was, “Wow, life is coming so fast and I can not keep up, I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and alone. Can you just sit with me for 20 minutes?” When going from metaphor based communication to a direct “I statement” the speaker showed their innermost feelings, which can feel really risky. Especially in cases where those feelings have not been validated in the past. The drowning metaphor acted as a shield allowing the speaker to avoid the vulnerability that comes with radical honesty.
When shifting to the direct “I statement” our speaker:
Described what is happening
How they are responding to it
How they are feeling about it
What they need from the listener
What if the speaker kept their metaphor and added an I statement?
“Wow, life is coming so fast! I can not keep up, it feels like I am drowning and I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed and alone. Can you just sit with me for 20 minutes?”
Best of both worlds!
The Science of Mindful Communication
A defining difference between Shakespeare’s metaphors and your metaphors are: you are not scripted! If only it were as simple as following a script. There are researchers who have dedicated their lives and careers to studying the ways communication affects the brain, and vice versa.
The foundation of healthy communication is mindfulness: Engage in the present moment of the conversation, without judgment. This entails not just nodding your head, but truly processing before speaking while observing emotional cues. At the intersection of mindful communication is active listening and intentional speech. Active listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, and responding to what is being said, as opposed to passive listening. In response, intentional speech is speaking with clarity and intention, choosing words wisely, while thinking of potential impact. Intentional speech can enhance understanding and reduce miscommunication. When using a metaphor, it is best to use it in mindful communication, assessing how the listener will receive what you are saying. This is the perfect time to balance your metaphor with an “I Statement” intentionally.
The Neurobiology of Connection: The neurons in your brain are the communication system you have with your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and sensations. Neurons are constantly firing at all times. Hormones and neurotransmitters are not the same thing, although they are both chemical messengers in the body. The difference with the two hormones traveling through the bloodstream to reach distant target cells, while neurotransmitters act across very small gaps between nerve cells (synapses) When listening to a partner empathetically, an oxytocin neuron might fire triggering oxytocin the “love hormone” which fosters trust and bonding. In contrast, confrontational and stressful conversations can activate adrenaline.
Impact of Language: The language we use in conjunction to our connection to mindfulness, shapes the way the brain fires. Metaphors, like those used by Shakespeare, engage in different neural networks than the ones that are directed by language. Using metaphors can evoke vivid imagery and emotions, which is why it is important to choose your metaphors intentionally.
Metaphor-based communication offers a unique way to express complex thoughts and emotions, much like Shakespeare’s timeless works. However, just as his metaphors often required deeper analysis, our own metaphorical language can sometimes mask the direct messages we intend to share. This is where balance becomes crucial.
By blending metaphors with mindful “I statements,” we can create a bridge between poetic expression and clear communication. This combination allows us to maintain the emotional depth metaphors provide while fostering understanding and connection in our relationships. Through mindful communication, intentional speech, and active listening, we can ensure our metaphors enrich rather than obscure our conversations, helping us express our true selves and strengthen bonds with others.
Gaining Awareness and Insight
When are you most likely to use metaphors? When you’re arguing, sad, excited, sassy, embarrassed? We invite you to track a mental or written log of the times your metaphors are used, which will help build insight as to how they are being received.
For example:
Date | Metaphor Used | The mood I was in when using metaphor | Sparked improved communication | Sparked decrease communication | I statement |
Now you can take it from here: Metaphor-based communication is an art that balances creativity and clarity, enhancing how we express ourselves and connect with others. Just as Shakespeare’s metaphors brought depth to his works, our use of metaphors can add richness to our interactions. However, the effectiveness of metaphors lies in intentionality and vulnerability—recognizing when they enhance understanding and when they detract from true intention. By combining metaphors with direct "I statements" and practicing mindful communication, we can navigate the intricacy between emotional resonance and clarity. Whether through personal reflection or tools like the Metaphor Diary Card, this practice invites us to explore our communication patterns, cultivate self-awareness, and build stronger, more authentic relationships. In embracing this journey, we unlock a deeper connection to ourselves and those around us, creating space for empathy, understanding, and mutual growth.
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