Perhaps you and your partner have decided you’re going to try some new kinky activities in the bedroom buuuuuuut you’re not really sure what you and your partner are willing to try together. You know that you for sure don’t want to have your hair pulled but you definitely want to try being tied up. This tip will provide a list of will-do/won’t do/might do options so you and your partner can agree on some new kinky activities in the bedroom.
Preparation
Find a time where you and your partner can sit together for about an hour to answer and discuss the following list. If you’d like, you can each print out a copy and fill it out in separate rooms and then come back together to discuss. If talking about this list together works better for you, go for it! The list is just a guide to get you and your partner to start talking about what kinky activities you want to try in your sex life. When you fill out the list, imagine the scenario in your head… Do you see yourself doing it? Do you see yourself liking it? Then write down “will do”. Now, do you imagine yourself trying it out ONLY in certain situations? Then write down “might do”. When you look at the item and just can’t imagine ever enjoying it? Write down “won’t do”. Try not to think about your partner’s judgments, for now, this is about what you want to do! For each question, check the box will do, won’t do, or might do. A notes section has been provided for you to write down more details about your decision making process or fantasies of that activity. Additionally, blank spaces are provided for you to be able to personalize this list. More information on this at the end.
The List
Will Do | Won’t Do | Might Do | Unsure | Notes | |
Are you interested in talking dirty? | |||||
Are you interested in your partner talking dirty to you? | |||||
Are you interested in listening to music during sexual activities? If so, what kind of music? | |||||
Are you interested in sexting? | |||||
Are you interested in giving your partner oral? | |||||
Are you interested in having your partner give you oral? | |||||
Are you interested in having your hair pulled? | |||||
Are you interested in pulling your partner’s hair? | |||||
Are you interested in biting your partner? | |||||
Are you interested in your partner biting you? | |||||
Are you interested in being blindfolded? | |||||
Are you interested in blindfolding your partner? | |||||
Are you interested in being restrained (tied-down, handcuffed, etc) by your partner? | |||||
Are you interested in restraining (tie-down, handcuff, etc.) your partner? | |||||
Are you interested in spanking, slapping, flogging, etc. your partner? | |||||
Are you interested in your partner spanking, slapping, flogging, etc.? | |||||
Are you interested in using nipple clamps on yourself? | |||||
Are you interested in using nipple clamps on your partner? | |||||
Are you interested in your partner telling you what to do? | |||||
Are you interested in telling your partner what to do? | |||||
Are you interested in roleplaying (teacher/student, doctor/patient, etc.) | |||||
Are you interested in using costumes during sexual activities? | |||||
Are you interested in stripping for your partner? | |||||
Are you interested in your partner stripping for you? | |||||
Are you interested in watching porn before, during, or after sex? | |||||
Are you interested in mutual masturbation (masturbation while in the company of your partner)? | |||||
Are you interested in licking your partner anally? | |||||
Are you interested in your partner anally licking you? | |||||
Are you interested in your partner anally penetrating you with a penis, finger, or strap on dildo? | |||||
Are you interested in anally penetrating your partner (with a penis, finger, or strap on dildo)? | |||||
Discussion
After filling out the list, go through each of the questions, and discuss. Remember this is a space for each of you to express and learn more about each other’s kinks, fantasies, and sexual desires. This should be a safe conversation between you and your partner so try to come at it from a place of curiosity rather than judgement. The kink community likes to use the phrase “don’t yuck someone else's yum” meaning don’t judge the enjoyment of a sexual activity for someone else just as you wouldn’t want someone to judge your sexual fantasies. If there’s an item on the list that may squick you out (make you feel gross, uncomfortable, or disgusted), that’s okay! Just because your partner wants to do it doesn’t mean you should or have to do it. Same goes for the other side, if you really want to try something but your partner is an absolute NO on it, recognize their boundaries and discuss. Here are some suggested questions to facilitate a conversation between you and your partner:
- What about ______ makes you feel aroused or excited?
- How do you see this playing out in the bedroom for you?
- What are some barriers to implementing _______? How could we get over some of these barriers?
- What about ________ do you not like?
- Perhaps there’s something that you might do and your partner definitely wants to do. What would that look like?
- In what circumstances would you try ________?
The key is to get as detailed as possible so you and your partner can begin to imagine how you would incorporate it into the bedroom.
If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, judging your partner’s answers, or feel judged by your partner, allow yourself to take a break from the conversation. Tell your partner you want to pick the list back up at another time when both of you are ready to discuss without yucking each other’s yums. At that point, review the entire list again with a more open-mind and sense of exploration.
On a quick note- this is not an exhaustive list of kinky activities. If there are others you think of, share them with your partner in the same format that you shared with the other items. Remember to be open and describe in detail your fantasies! There are additional blank spaces for you to add other options for expanding your kinky activities!
Once you have reviewed and discussed your list of kinky activities, discuss some items you’d like to try during your next sexual activity. What would you want to say, do, and/or experience? Research the best and safest practices on The Center for Growth Self-Help Resources page and try them out! Remember to check in with your partner as you explore these new found experiences! You could also incorporate a short play session in which you and your partner move slowly through the activities you’d like to incorporate. This is the opportunity for you and your partner to explore how these activities would pan out in your sexual play. In this mini play session, completion (whether it’s completing the activity or achieving orgasm) should be off the table. Consider incorporating these safety communication tools during your miniplay session. This time is for you to work out the mechanics of how this play would happen during sexy time. It’s also an opportunity for you to confirm if this activity is right for you. There is no shame in thinking you’d like to try something new and it ultimately is not panning out.
Don’t know where to get started on some of these kinky activities? Check out our other tips to learn more about how you and your partner can try these activities out.
You can self schedule an in-person or virtual therapy session at the Center for Growth by calling (215) 922- LOVE (5683) x 100.
Our Guarantee: If after your first session you are not sold that you are working with the right therapist, do not hesitate to call our intake line at 215 922 5683 x 100 or Alex at (267) 324-9564 and ask to be rescheduled with another therapist. The choice of how you want to proceed is yours. Our only goal is to support you in becoming the best you possible.
For your convenience, we have brick and mortar offices and work with clients virtually in Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.
Physical Therapy Office Locations:
Ocean City Therapy Office 360 West Ave, Floor 1, Ocean City, NJ 08226
Mechanicsville Therapy Office 9044 Mann Drive, Mechanicsville Virginia, 23116
Society Hill Therapy Office 233 S. 6th Street, C-33, Philadelphia PA 19106
Art Museum / Fairmount Therapy Office 2401 Pennsylvania Ave, Suite 1a2, Philadelphia PA 19130
Providence Therapy Office 173 Waterman St. Providence, RI 02906
Fayetteville Therapy Office 101 Devant Street #606, Fayetteville GA 30214
Santa Fe Therapy Office, 2204 B Brothers Road, Santa Fe, New Mexico, 87505
Telemedicine Therapy Locations: We have therapists who are licensed to work in Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania and Virginia and Pennsylvania
Therapy Services Offered in Fayetteville, Ocean City, Mechanicsville, Philadelphia, Providence, Santa Fe:
Individual Counseling and therapy
Couples Counseling and marriage counseling
Teen Therapy and Adolescent Therapy and tweens and child counseling
Family Therapy and multi-generational counseling
Art Therapy and Counseling no art skills needed
ADHD Therapy and ADD, Dyslexia, Autism, Tourettes counseling
Anxiety, Panic, OCD Therapy and worry and fear support
Breaking the cycle of Codependency and being your own person
Overcoming Chronic Illness and Chronic Pain .
Depression Therapy and sadness, gloom, and upset support
Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) Therapy is a particular style of therapy designed for people with problems affecting their nervous system, how the brain and body send and receive signals.
Grief Therapy and loss, End of A Relationship, rejections, pregnancy and loss and therapy
Mindfulness Based Therapy and spirituality based therapy
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery child of, parent of, spouse of, sibling of a narcissist.
Sex Therapy and sexual function & dysfunction, sex addiction, sexual orientation and gender identity support
Trauma Therapy both emotional and sexual abuse, complex trauma, PTSD counseling
Divorce support
Affairs, Infidelity, Unfaithful, Cheating counseling
Parenting therapy
Personality disorder treatments Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic
Setting Boundaries and identifying ones own Core Beliefs
Just name some of the Mental Health issues that we work with. Our goal is to help you Change and Achieve Your Dreams