Making Friends as an Adult: Overcoming Social Anxiety and Navigating Social Challenges
Introduction
Making friends as an adult is not easy. With the absence of school and other organized, semi-mandatory activities of childhood and youth, it can be highly challenging to navigate establishing a social life for oneself seemingly out of thin air. Social connection and engagement is a necessary aspect of emotional and mental health, yet many adults go without this need met. While some adults may become more involved with their careers, relationships or family life, perhaps too maintaining an adequate amount of friendships, others may fall through the cracks, finding little opportunity to build genuine, satisfying friendships in their adult life.
Social anxiety and feelings of isolation can add to the difficulty of forming new connections. The longer one has put off attempting to meet new people, the more daunting the task may become. And feeling socially unwanted and disconnected can add to the emotional difficulty and vulnerability of putting oneself “out there” in the social arena. Many people feel so embarrassed by their perceived social awkwardness or ineptness that they begin to put off social interaction altogether, seeing it more as an opportunity for rejection than connection.
But despite these barriers, it is quite possible for adults to overcome these challenges and make genuine friendships. Through a healthy mindset and the following supportive strategies, you can make fulfilling friends at any age.
1. Understanding Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is the experience of fear, self-consciousness and distress in response to social interaction with others. It is a fairly common experience with a wide range of intensity. For some, adult social anxiety may be so distressing that all efforts to engage socially come with a painful experience of alienation, self-hatred and perceived humiliation. Unsurprisingly, this will likely cause an individual to avoid new social interactions, thus furthering their descent into social isolation.
Common symptoms of social anxiety include fear of judgment, overthinking conversations, as well as physical symptoms (e.g. sweating, heart racing). Each of these experiences poses major barriers to taking the social risks necessary to begin new social connections. But even for those who experience severe social anxiety, it is possible to come to a place of tolerance and resilience for these negative symptoms. As new social connections are built and one begins to feel more accepted, symptoms of social anxiety may begin to fade and hold far less power over one.
2. The Importance of Friendships in Adulthood
There are myriad benefits of friendships for mental and emotional health. Friends provide a source of laughter, encouragement, emotional support and meaningful, shared experiences - all of which support one’s sense of fulfillment and interconnectedness. Friendships can help one to feel understood more deeply and variedly in life, as well as to feel more emotionally protected from the ills of everyday life stressors.
Adult friendships can be different from childhood ones in several meaningful ways, which at times can make them harder to build in the first place. For one, adults have varying amounts of free time available to spend with friends, depending on their careers, families, and other commitments. In childhood, there tends to be much more time dedicated to socializing and recreational activities, often making friendships easier to develop. Secondly, many adults prioritize romantic relationships over platonic friendships, causing them to be less available for developing meaningful friendships. Some cultures may value the role of spouse and parent for adults at the expense of roles perceived as less important, such as friends. These factors may make efforts more challenging for adults who are seeking close friendships, as not everyone makes time for these relationships, especially with new people in older age.
Yet even as an adult, the desire for connection in friendship is valid and important. It may be tempting to write off the longing for friendship as unnecessary and trivial in adulthood, but as mentioned previously, friendships support many aspects of mental and emotional health.
3. Identifying and Challenging Negative Thought Patterns
Negative thoughts and self-doubt serve to hinder socializing. One may have a thought along the lines of “who would want to hang out with me anyway? I’m boring and don’t have anything to offer people,” or “What’s the point of trying to make new friends? I’m only going to be rejected and embarrassed.” While these thought patterns are quite normal, they can be dangerous to the extent that we allow them to influence what actions we choose to take.
If you notice thoughts like these cropping up for you, it can be helpful to offer a reframe for yourself, especially one that challenges a sense of perfectionism or unrealistic expectations. For example, in response to the previous thoughts, you may tell yourself “I may not be interesting to everyone, but what if I do have something to offer in a friendship to some people who I’d really enjoy being friends with? I could avoid ever meeting new people to protect myself, but all that will ensure me is protection from momentary sadness or anxiety. If I take the risk to meet new people and share some of myself with them, I’m at least giving myself a chance to connect with the people who are meant for me.” Or, : “I might be rejected or embarrassed, but I might also be pleasantly surprised and have a nice conversation with someone new. I won’t know unless I try, and it’s up to me whether I want to find the courage to try or not.”
Additionally, it is important to practice self-compassion and limit self-criticism while navigating new social interactions. It is normal for people to judge themselves harshly after a social situation that makes them anxious, but this does not support one’s efforts to make genuine friends. Putting oneself out there to meet new people is difficult work, and it will be nearly impossible to continue if you allow yourself to be torn apart every time by your own criticisms. Instead, it would benefit you to be gentle with yourself, acknowledging the courage it took to attempt meeting new people and validating your own difficult emotions as they come up. This attitude will put you in the best position to find the resilience you'll need to continue.
4. Taking Small Steps to Break Out of Your Comfort Zone
It is helpful to begin with small, manageable steps as you practice overcoming your social fears. Start by imagining a small social task you could attempt that is easy enough that you know you could more or less do it if you tried, but that is challenging enough that you will need to muster some courage to do it. For example, you could say hi to a neighbor or attend a meeting of a small group you are interested in.
At first, you may benefit from attending more organized activities in which social interaction may be more structured and less intimidating, such as a meetup group, a class, or volunteer work. This is also an opportunity to explore genuine interests and meet like-minded people. There is great power in connecting naturally with someone over a shared interest, which can make the process of socializing far smoother. Approaching others with little pressure, such as by asking open-ended questions or showing curiosity, can support you in inviting natural connections. Gradual exposure to social situations like these will likely reduce your anxiety over time and provide you new tools of social interaction and connection.
Additionally, it is important to set realistic, social goals instead of burning yourself out early by setting impossibly high expectations or goals which involve outcomes that are out of your control. For example, you could plan to attend one meetup per week or start a conversation with one new person a week. If, on the other hand, you set an expectation for yourself that you would have x number of friends by a certain date, or would no longer feel social anxiety, you would likely set yourself up for disappointment and failure.
5. Building Confidence in Social Interactions
It is helpful to build moderate self-confidence when engaging in new social situations. Luckily, even for the socially anxious, there are many effective techniques for instilling confidence and calm before an event, such as deep breathing and positive self-talk. Visualization is an especially useful tool which can also help you to identify what it is you want to feel or experience in a social situation.
To do this, you can start by asking yourself to imagine you are at the social event and you are having the most ideal time socializing with others. How would you feel? What would you be doing? How would you be expressing yourself? This can help you to attune to the aspects of socializing that are most desirable to you and to access an emotional awareness of what that experience may be like for you or offer to you. Perhaps you would find yourself more laid-back and expressing yourself in silly ways, such as through jokes. This may tell you that humour, relaxation, and playfulness are social values of yours that you want to build on. Or perhaps you would be having a deeper conversation with a few others who have similar interests and worldviews to yourself. Perhaps you would feel understood, intellectually-stimulated, and more deeply connected to others. This may tell you that a social value of yours is depth, relatedness and discussion.
Even if the exact version of your ideal social situation doesn’t happen, you are still getting to know your own desires better and equipping yourself to seek the kinds of connections that would fulfill you. When you embark on the real social interaction, there may be a bit of awkwardness or disappointment. But awkwardness is normal and doesn't define the outcome of an interaction or your worth as a person.
6. When to Seek Professional Support
At times, even with great efforts, social anxiety or difficulties with friendships can be overwhelming. If you are finding that you could use additional support with navigating friendships as an adult, a therapist who specializes in social anxiety can be a fantastic support. Feel free to schedule a counseling session with one of our therapists at The Center For Growth.
You can self schedule an in-person or virtual therapy session at the Center for Growth by calling (215) 922- LOVE (5683) x 100.
Our Guarantee: If after your first session you are not sold that you are working with the right therapist, do not hesitate to call our intake line at 215 922 5683 x 100 or Alex at (267) 324-9564 and ask to be rescheduled with another therapist. The choice of how you want to proceed is yours. Our only goal is to support you in becoming the best you possible.
