“Sex is not something you do, it is a place where you go.” - Esther Perel
Men, does sex feel like a performance?
Think about it- what happens in a performance? There’s pressure, expectation, preparation, nervousness, joy, validation, achievement. Does that sound like sex for you?
In many traditional casual heterosexual encounters- especially in those one-night stands or new connections- it often goes like this: man and woman meet. There’s initial attraction. Maybe they go on a few dates or meet on a night out. There’s chemistry, some connection. They get in bed together. The man takes control. He pretends to know exactly what he’s doing because he’s confident- or at least trying to look that way. He wants to cum, and maybe make the other person cum too. If that happens, sex was good. If it doesn’t, sex was not so good. Afterwards, he might feel relieved that it happened at all. He might talk about it with friends, compare it to other experiences, or to the porn he watches. He creates a story around that encounter, and that story shapes what happens the next time.
The Three Elements of Performative Sex for Men:
Pressure – The internal direction we receive from ourselves- “Stay hard. Last long. Know what to do. Be skilled at oral sex. Lead the situation. Be masculine. Don’t fumble. Don’t pause. Don’t look lost.” This is the intersecting point of sex and performance anxiety.
Expectation – To orgasm and cause orgasm. Orgasm = success. No orgasm = failure. Traditionally, that’s been the equation. If both people cum, it was “good sex.” If not, something must have gone wrong, or there’s “incompatibility.” We hold this belief that good sex means both people climax perfectly at the same time- another aspect of performative sex.
Validation – Did the other person enjoy it? If they did, then you did a “good job.” Your sense of worth gets tied to that sexual performance.
The Problem with Performative Sex
Performative sex can be exciting at first- after all, performing comes with adrenaline. But it often comes at a cost. We live in a society that’s more sexually open than ever, yet we’re seeing more porn addiction, sexual anxiety, disconnection, and people having less sex overall. The emotional toll is real. With pressure comes anxiety. With expectation comes disconnection. With lack of validation comes insecurity.
When sex turns into a performance, you lose the ability to feel good about yourself and about the experience. You can’t connect deeply when you’re worried about doing it right. Performing means you’re not really being yourself- you’re acting out a version of who you think you should be. And when that’s happening, how can you feel truly confident, validated, and connected?
There’s this idea that great sex is effortless- that it “just happens” when two people have chemistry. That the best moments are spontaneous and natural, and that talking somehow ruins the mood. But that’s a myth. That’s movie sex- performative sex. Good sex isn’t about guessing or being perfect- it’s about being present. Communication doesn’t have to mean sitting down for a long conversation mid-act. It can be a word, a look, a pause, a sound. It can be nonverbal and still deeply connective.
The Symphony of Sex
Sex is more than a performance. Sex is a symphony.
Jaiya, a world-renowned sexologist and Tantra teacher, says, “Imagine we had a master symphony, and instead of playing this beautiful symphony with all these instruments, we are hitting ONE note OVER and OVER again. We hit that one note loud, we hit it hard, and eventually, we can’t even hear the rest of the music.”
What she means is: most of us have been conditioned to play the same sexual “notes” over and over. It’s familiar, it’s safe. We do what’s worked before because there’s safety in routine, especially for men who fear failure or rejection. It’s easier to repeat a script than to improvise when you feel like your worth depends on the performance.
Think of the typical sequence: you kiss, touch genitals, have oral sex, and then intercourse. It works once, so it becomes the go-to pattern. But after a while, it’s the same musical note being hit again and again, and it starts to feel overused, mechanical, maybe even dull.
Porn plays into this too. It trains the body to expect a certain dopamine route. So when you’re with a real partner- where things are slower, less predictable, more vulnerable- it can feel off. The body doesn’t respond the same way. It’s unfamiliar. Maybe even scary.
But this is where the opportunity lies. When you become aware of these somatic sexual habits, you can start changing them. You can start exploring what other instruments and notes exist and feel like.
A New Type of Sex – Focus on Presence
So what’s possible when we step out of performance and into presence?
From Goal-Oriented to Exploratory – Instead of chasing orgasm, focus on what feels good in the moment. Notice your own body reacting to a simple touch. Ask your partner what they enjoy. Communication doesn’t kill the mood- it builds it. This is how you shift from performative sex to embodied sex.
From Penetration-Centered to Full-body Experience – Imagine every part of the body as a different instrument in the symphony. Try slowly tracing a hand along your partner’s arm, neck, or back. Notice how their breath changes. You’re playing new “notes” together. Explore the different instruments with patience and humor.
From Performance to Play – Let go of traditional sexual expectations, and move towards being free, joyous, and exempt from right or wrong. Tickle, tease, or make eye contact in the middle of a kiss. Laugh at unexpected moments. Treat sex like a game, not a test. Just play.
From Fast to Slow – Take a little longer than usual. Let each touch linger. Breathe. Go slower than what feels natural at first. It might feel awkward, but that’s okay. Discomfort is part of learning a new language. Eventually, that discomfort transforms into pleasure.
From Individual to Shared – Sex isn’t “my” performance, it’s “our” connection. Try syncing your breath or mirroring your partner’s rhythm. Pay attention to the subtle moments when you both pause, laugh, or gasp at the same time. The pleasure is in the connection, not the outcome.
Presence changes everything. You don’t need to know everything- what matters is being curious. Most people like being asked what they want. Sex is more than a performance- it’s a practice. A practice that can be honed through awareness, curiosity, and reflection. It’s not your job to figure someone else out like a puzzle- it’s about both people bringing what they know they like to the table. Through exploring other notes on the piano, and eventually discovering new instruments altogether, you might find deeper intimacy, expanded pleasure, and richer connection.
As men, we can shift from “Did I perform well?” to “Was I connected, aware, and enjoying myself?”
Conclusion
As Esther Perel said, “Sex is not something you do, it is a place where you go.”
Performative sex can leave you anxious, disconnected, and unsure. But presence- the willingness to slow down, to communicate, to be curious- opens the door to something deeper.
Imagine sex not as a means to an end, but as the point itself: connection, presence, intimacy. Imagine allowing yourself to just be- without having to prove anything. Step away from sex as a performance, and move towards sex as connection.
Your symphony is waiting. The question is- will you play it?
For situations that feel difficult to navigate, please seek help. We offer individual, couples, and sex therapy at The Center for Growth in Philadelphia. Therapy can be a space to recognize patterns, build positive evidence, and create real change. To learn more, call today to speak with a therapist 215-922-5683 x 100. https://thecenterforgrowth.com
