Polyamory Glossary: Polyamorous Terms and Definitions
Introduction
If you want to learn more about polyamorous terms and definitions; you have come to the right place! If you are brand new to the concept of polyamory you may feel overwhelmed by the number of different options that are presented here. As you read this list of polyamorous terms and definitions, keep checking in with yourself. Some questions you may ask yourself as you read through the glossary are:
Are there terms that feel exciting to you? What about it is exciting?
Are there polyamory styles that you think you could never do? What about it doesn’t feel good?
Like all relationship styles, there are many different ways to approach polyamory. As you move through this list of polyamorous terms and definitions take note of styles that pique your interest and styles that don’t feel like a good fit for you. If a definition feels unsafe or uncomfortable, take a moment to ask yourself what about that style is giving you pause. You can ask yourself some of these questions:
What about this style is making me uncomfortable?
Would I want more or less freedom in my exploration with other people?
Do I want more poly community than this style allows for?
Would I want my partners to feel comfortable spending more (or less) time with my other partners?
Would I want to spend more (or less time) with the other people my partner is dating?
If you are a polyamorous veteran just looking to stay up with the lingo, this is an opportunity to check in on your current relationship style and how it is working for you. While you’re reading through the list of polyamorous terms and definitions, here are some questions you can ask yourself:
What polyamory term best describes my relationship style?
Do I want more (or less) time with my metamours?
Do I want more opportunities to create a polyamorous community than I currently have?
Do any of these terms & definitions make you say “I want more of THAT”?
As always, make sure you are taking care of yourself while you read through. If you find yourself activated in any way, here are some things you can do:
Take 3 deep breaths
Write out your thoughts in a journal
Call a friend
Call your partner *not recommended if you have not talked about polyamory with your partner before*
Drink some water or make yourself a snack
Polyamory Glossary
Anchor Partner: This is a relationship that is consistent and can serve as your ‘rock’ while navigating external relationships. Typically, but not always, this is the relationship you have been in the longest. In any case, this is a relationship that you can depend on and use as a foundation while exploring other relationships. And who knows, maybe you are lucky enough to have multiple relationships that feel like anchor partners!
Chosen Family: Chosen family is exactly what it sounds like! These are the people you have chosen to live your life with. They can be both romantic and platonic relationships but typically do not refer to your biological family members.
Comet: A comet partner is a brief, though maybe intense, relationship that typically does not last very long. A comet relationship can be similar to a summer fling. However, comets can also be partners that you meet with once or twice a year. For example, someone who lives in your hometown that you see around the holidays or someone you see on an annual camping trip.
Compersion: This is the word for feeling happy, satisfied, contented, or turned on by your partner’s relationship with another person. This can be defined as the opposite of jealousy.
DADT (Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell): This is a type of polyamory or open relationship where you and your partner(s) have decided that you would like to pursue external relationships but do not want to know anything about them including when you are seeing them or the nature of the external relationships.
Dyad: This is a relationship between two people in the context of a larger polycule or poly family.
Ethical Non-Monogamy: This is the umbrella term for having multiple sexual or romantic partners with consent from yourself and your partners. This term implies that all parties involved are happy to be practicing this way and are invested in this relationship style. This also implies that all partners are willing to do the emotional work needed to make sure that everyone is having their needs met within the dynamic.
ERE (Established Relationship Energy): This is after the NRE (New Relationship Energy) starts to fade and you fall into some comfortable patterns and rituals. This can feel comforting and stabilizing but can also bring up some new anxieties about not feeling as desired by your partner.
Garden Party Polyamory: This is the halfway point between parallel polyamory and kitchen table polyamory. This typically means that while you don’t want to have regular dinners or activities with your metamours, you are comfortable spending time with them at parties, events where you are supporting the same partner, or even some holidays.
Hierarchical Relationships: This type of polyamory typically involves one primary relationship that is prioritized over all other relationships. Sometimes this may include defining secondary and tertiary relationships as well. All parties must be aware and consent to the hierarchy; this type of communication is essential to practicing ethical non-monogamy.
Hinge Partner: A hinge partner is a person who balances two long-term polyamorous relationships.
Kitchen Table Polyamory: This type of polyamory exists when all partners and metamours would like to spend time together and build a communal relationship. This type of polyamory is named for the fact that all partners and metaphors are comfortable and capable of sharing and enjoying a meal together. In contrast to garden party polyamory, this type of polyamory is more supportive and involved in each other’s lives; typically spending time with all partners and metamours regularly. Unlike a poly family, partners, and metamours live separately and parent children under the typical two-parent model.
LDR (Long Distance Relationship): Many people become interested in polyamory when their partner moves away or they start dating someone who lives far from them. This type of relationship fits well in the polyamory dynamic because there is less need for intensive scheduling conversations and compromise.
Metamour: A metamour is a person who is dating your partner: your partner’s partner.
Nesting Partner: A nesting partner is a partner with whom you live. This may be your anchor partner or your primary partner but it does not have to be.
Non-Hierarchical Relationships: This is when no partner or relationship is prioritized above any other. All partner's needs and requests are equally important to you.
NRE (New Relationship Energy): This is the feeling of being new to a relationship with someone. Typically characterized by consistent thoughts of this person, wanting to be with them all the time, excited about the relationship, and potentially having more sex or physical intimacy than longer established relationships.
Open Relationships: This relationship style is not technically polyamory because the assumption is that you are not creating meaningful or romantic relationships with external partners. Like in polyamory, it is up to you and your partner to decide what the boundaries are in your open relationship: this can be just hook-ups, friends with benefits, comet partners, flirty exchanges, or other dynamics. However, typically open relationships do not involve emotional or romantic connections outside of your primary partner.
ORE (Old Relationship Energy): This is the type of connection that has become a stable part of your life. This relationship is not as enthralling as a new relationship and you may have to be aware to not take this partner for granted. There are established patterns and rituals that make this relationship comfortable and easy. These relationships may feel more threatened by their partners experiencing NRE with someone else.
Partner: A person you are in an established intimate relationship with.
Parallel Polyamory: This is polyamory where all your partners are aware of each other but they do not want to be involved in each other’s lives. They do not want to go to events where your metamour may be attending and they do not want to share holidays with your other partners. Even in long-established relationships, your metamours may never meet each other.
Polycule: A group of people who share partners with each other. An established group of your partners and metamours.
Polyfidelitous Relationship: This is a polycule or polyfamily that has decided, collectively, that they are not seeking out or accepting any new relationships or partners into the dynamic. This is common during periods of hardship or when new children are brought into the polyfamily or polycule.
Primary Partner: In hierarchical non-monogamy, this is the partner that is your priority. Typically this is the partner you live with, share financial responsibilities, and will raise your children with.
Relationship Anarchy: This type of poly relationship rejects relationship labels and allows for each new relationship to evolve in the way it wants to with no expectations. RA people allow for any new dynamic to form regardless of any already existing relationships.
Solo Polyamory: Someone who is solo poly thinks of themselves as their primary relationship. Therefore they tend to live on their own regardless of any long-term relationships. Typically this relationship style is non-hierarchical.
Telemour: This is your metamour’s partner: your partner’s partner’s partner.
Triad (Thrupple): This is a relationship dynamic where three people are all dating each other. This typically occurs when a couple opens their relationship and they both fall for the same person. This can occur intentionally or when a partner falls in love with their metamour.
Unicorn: A unicorn is a third (typically a woman) who enters a dyad for a short period of time. These relationships tend to be primarily for sex and not intended to be romantic or long-term. However, unicorns may change the relationship from a dyad to a triad if all parties want to move towards a more permanent relationship.
Keep in mind that each relationship is unique and constant communication about limits and relationship definitions is necessary to make sure all partners are on the same page. Hopefully, these polyamorous terms and definitions will help you start to figure out what type of polyamory you are interested in and can give you the foundation you need to discuss it with your partner or future partners. If you have any questions or wish to explore polyamory further, feel free to schedule a session with me online at The Center for Growth! Feel free to email me at [email protected] or give me a call at 215-608-0034.
