Anxious & Avoidant Styles in Conflict
Many couples get stuck in the same argument, playing out different versions of the same conflict over and over. One partner wants to talk. The other shuts down. No one feels heard, and nothing really gets resolved. This represents what is known as an Anxious-Avoidant dynamic between two partners. When we talk about anxious- avoidant dynamics in relationships, we’re talking about attachment styles. Attachment patterns are shaped early in life, and they follow us into our adult relationships. They can change- when we begin to understand them with curiosity rather than judgment. Broadly there are three: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
Secure attachment means feeling generally safe in relationships. You’re able to be close and independent, communicate your needs, tolerate conflict, and trust that connection will remain intact even when things feel hard.
Anxious attachment tends to show up as a strong need for closeness and reassurance, especially when something feels off. Disconnection feels threatening.
Avoidant attachment tends to show up as a strong need for space and self-reliance. Too much closeness- especially during conflict- can feel overwhelming.
The Anxious-Avoidant Dance
In couples, especially during conflict, a common pattern shows up- an anxious partner paired with an avoidant partner. This is not the only way attachment can play out, but it’s a very common presentation, and one many couples recognize themselves in.
An anxious attachment style thrives in closeness. When something feels off in the relationship, the anxious partner’s nervous system reads it as danger. Space doesn’t feel neutral- it feels unsafe. So, their instinct in conflict is to move toward the other person. To talk it through. To figure it out right then and there. To restore connection as quickly as possible.
An avoidant attachment style responds to that same sense of threat in the opposite way. When conflict arises, their nervous system becomes overwhelmed, and closeness feels like too much. Their instinct is to move away- to take space, to disengage, to calm themselves down before they can think clearly again.
When these two attachment styles come together in conflict, they create a familiar loop. The anxious partner moves toward closeness. The avoidant partner moves toward space. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. No one is actually getting what they need. From the inside, it often feels awful.
The anxious partner feels unseen, panicked, and desperate for reassurance. The avoidant partner feels overwhelmed, cornered, and unable to breathe. Both are trying to regulate, just in very different ways.
This is where resentment quietly starts to grow. The anxious partner never really gets closeness. The avoidant partner never really gets space. Conflict doesn’t resolve- it just circles.
What does this look like?
A common example might look like this: a couple arguing in the kitchen. For the sake of example, let’s say the woman is more anxiously attached and the man is more avoidant. She wants to talk it through immediately. Her body feels restless, activated, and the idea of leaving things unresolved feels unbearable. He feels overstimulated and shut down. He grows quiet or distant. Eventually, he might leave the room, go for a drive, or physically remove himself to calm his nervous system.
She follows- asking to talk, knocking on the door, trying to re-engage. From her side, it feels like she’s fighting for the relationship. From his side, it feels like too much.
Neither person is wrong. But the pattern isn’t working.
Steps to Change
The first step toward change is awareness- being able to name, this is our anxious–avoidant cycle. When you can recognize it as a pattern rather than a personal failure, something shifts.
For the avoidant partner, supporting the anxious partner often means offering reassurance before taking space. That might sound like: “I care about you. I’m not leaving. I’m overwhelmed right now and need some time to calm down. Let’s talk tomorrow.” Space paired with reassurance helps the anxious nervous system settle.
For the anxious partner, supporting the avoidant partner often means practicing restraint- even when every part of you wants to push forward. That might look like agreeing to pause the conversation, writing down what you want to say, or reminding yourself that space does not mean abandonment. It can help to ask directly: “What do you need right now to come back to this later?”.
The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict or force yourself into a different attachment style overnight. It’s to slow the cycle down enough that both nervous systems can feel safer.
Over time, couples can learn to catch the pattern as it’s happening. To step out of the loop. To set clearer boundaries around space and closeness. To meet somewhere in the middle instead of running in opposite directions.
Practical Tools Couples Can Try
Understanding the anxious–avoidant cycle is important, but insight alone doesn’t change patterns. What creates real progress is having concrete tools to use during conflict- especially when emotions are high and old reflexes take over. These tools are not about suppressing feelings or avoiding conflict. They are about helping both partners feel safe enough to stay engaged. And safety is the key.
1. Regulate the body first, then talk
When our nervous systems are unregulated, communication tends to go nowhere. Encourage regulation before continuing the discussion. This can look like creating a small break during conflict, with a return plan. This can be a breathing exercise, journaling, or even going for a walk.
2. Name the pattern out loud (externalizing the problem)
It can be very empowering to name the cycle as it is happening. Instead of “You’re avoiding me” or “You won’t leave me alone,” try “I think we are in our anxious–avoidant loop right now.” This way of speaking externalizes the problem, removes blame, and unites the couple.
3. Practice reassurance
It is important to offer reassurance to your partner when in conflict. Usually, when a partner is saying hurtful things, it is coming from a place of fear and self-defense, whether it is rational or not. Helping your partner feel reassured can de-escalate the conflict. Statements can sound like, “I care about you, and I am not going anywhere,” or “I know it seems hard right now. I love you, and we will figure this out together.” These statements do not guarantee the problem will be solved, but they help to externalize the problem, allowing for a productive conversation after both parties are regulated.
4. Asking questions
Instead of assuming what your partner needs, ask directly: “What would help you feel safer right now?”, “Do you need closeness or space right now?”, or simply, “What do you need from me in this moment?” This is not saying that your own needs are not important or that you need to give them exactly what they are asking for. Provided both partners are in a regulated state, these questions can illuminate powerful insight about the relationship and how to cultivate it further.
5. Explore different types of communication
What if you did not have to communicate by talking in the heat of the moment? For anxious partners, it might be a good idea to write a letter- writing releases the pressure of needing to communicate their thoughts. For avoidant partners, reading a letter could feel safer than an intense conversation. You might also explore nonverbal communication, such as sitting quietly while holding hands or embracing each other to regulate. The idea is to allow flexibility and explore different mediums to see what works for your relationship.
There is Hope!
Moving toward a more secure attachment doesn’t mean never needing closeness or space. It means learning how to ask for what you need without fear- and learning how to hear your partner’s needs without panic. As we do this, our attachment styles slowly begin to change. The work happens now, in relationship, through these moments of rupture and repair.
If any part of this pattern feels familiar, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. These dynamics develop for a reason, often as ways of staying safe and connected. Change doesn’t have to happen all at once.
If you’re curious about exploring these patterns more deeply, or want support in understanding what’s happening beneath the surface of your relationship, therapy can be a space to do that at your own pace. Support is available when- and if- you’re ready.
We offer individual, couples, and sex therapy at The Center for Growth in Philadelphia. Therapy can be a space to recognize patterns, build positive evidence, and create effective change. To learn more, call today to speak with a therapist 215-922-5683 x 100. https://thecenterforgrowth.com
