A Constructive Guide to Arguments
We all get into disagreements or arguments with those we love. It is how we handle them that will either provide feelings of connection and resolution or resentment and withdrawal. A way to set the stage for you and your loved one to have constructive arguments is to set some ground rules. Here are some basic rules to help get you started.
Take time to explore your own feelings.
Are you angry because your partner did not take out the recycling on time, and it only comes every two weeks? “Are you angry because your partner missed parent-teacher conferences twice this week?” Taking the time to think about your own feelings before starting the argument can help to better express yourself. Try to find your feelings below the anger. Do you feel underappreciated, lonely, or sad?
Do not avoid your feelings of anger, upset, or hurt. Take time to explore them but do not sit with them for too long. If you hold onto them for too long while you “explore them” you may blurt them out another time and say something you might regret. Just because there is some temporary anger means there is not any less love.
Discuss one topic at a time/ Don’t dig up the past.
Don’t have “you forgot to bring the laundry upstairs” become “you play too many video games”. When our conversations get off topics, they are more likely to escalate, and less likely to solve the problem you started with.
If your partner comes to you with a disagreement do not go digging for something that also made you upset in order to defend yourself. Deal with the issue they came to you about first, and if you need to talk about a past problem set another time aside to do so.
No degrading language/mean comments/ or yelling.
Discuss the problem, not the person. Separating the issue from the individuals involved can help to foster a more clear constructive conversation. Do not put one another down, name call, or use profanity. Language like that is used to express negative intentions or feelings and makes the other feel bad.
Use I-statements.
I statements are when you structure your emotions in the form of “ I feel emotion when event occurs.”
Examples:
“I feel worried when you are late coming home from work and have not heard from you.”
“ I feel upset when I have to go to an appointment alone that we were supposed to do together.”
“I” statements express how you feel while taking responsibility for your emotions and can take away the feeling of blame being placed on the other. Although, using “I” does not give permission to ignore all other rules discussed.
Take turns being an active listener and paraphrase.
Give each other your full attention while the other is speaking. Withhold from making corrections or waiting to just say what you want to say. If you find difficulty giving each other time to speak uninterrupted, set a timer for 1 minute. At the end of each minute, before the listening partner can offer their feedback, they must then paraphrase what they heard from their partner, and ask if they heard them correctly or missed anything important.
Time Outs/Breaks.
Sometimes emotions are too high to have a constructive conversation. If an argument becomes too personal or escalated, then call a timeout. Agree on when you will come back together again to continue the discussion once all involved can take a moment to recollect themselves and cool down. Be sure to come back to the conversation and hold each other accountable.
Do not fight with each other when you are tired or hungry. There is that saying that has been floating around for centuries, “Never go to bed angry.” This is not true. If you are tired and need to take a break and rest, go do so! You will feel much better after your needed break and be able to offer more to each other than you could when you were tired.
Compromise and understanding.
Some disagreements will not feel like there is a perfect solution. Work together to try your best at a compromise. With compromise comes some give and take from both sides. If you can not reach a compromise then take time to continue understanding each other’s perspective to work through negative feelings.
These are all some basic guidelines for fair arguing and experiencing constructive disagreements. You may learn through time and experience other rules that may work best for you and your partner. Starting with these guidelines can help you begin to take control over your arguments and allow space for growth and connection.
You can self schedule an in-person or virtual therapy session at the Center for Growth by calling (215) 922- LOVE (5683) x 100.
Our Guarantee: If after your first session you are not sold that you are working with the right therapist, do not hesitate to call our intake line at 215 922 5683 x 100 or Alex at (267) 324-9564 and ask to be rescheduled with another therapist. The choice of how you want to proceed is yours. Our only goal is to support you in becoming the best you possible.
For your convenience, we have brick and mortar offices and work with clients virtually in Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.
Physical Therapy Office Locations:
Ocean City Therapy Office 360 West Ave, Floor 1, Ocean City, NJ 08226
Mechanicsville Therapy Office 9044 Mann Drive, Mechanicsville Virginia, 23116
Society Hill Therapy Office 233 S. 6th Street, C-33, Philadelphia PA 19106
Art Museum / Fairmount Therapy Office 2401 Pennsylvania Ave, Suite 1a2, Philadelphia PA 19130
Providence Therapy Office 173 Waterman St. Providence, RI 02906
Fayetteville Therapy Office 101 Devant Street #606, Fayetteville GA 30214
Santa Fe Therapy Office, 2204 B Brothers Road, Santa Fe, New Mexico, 87505
Telemedicine Therapy Locations: We have therapists who are licensed to work in Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania and Virginia and Pennsylvania
Therapy Services Offered in Fayetteville, Ocean City, Mechanicsville, Philadelphia, Providence, Santa Fe:
Individual Counseling and therapy
Couples Counseling and marriage counseling
Teen Therapy and Adolescent Therapy and tweens and child counseling
Family Therapy and multi-generational counseling
Art Therapy and Counseling no art skills needed
ADHD Therapy and ADD, Dyslexia, Autism, Tourettes counseling
Anxiety, Panic, OCD Therapy and worry and fear support
Breaking the cycle of Codependency and being your own person
Overcoming Chronic Illness and Chronic Pain .
Depression Therapy and sadness, gloom, and upset support
Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) Therapy is a particular style of therapy designed for people with problems affecting their nervous system, how the brain and body send and receive signals.
Grief Therapy and loss, End of A Relationship, rejections, pregnancy and loss and therapy
Mindfulness Based Therapy and spirituality based therapy
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery child of, parent of, spouse of, sibling of a narcissist.
Sex Therapy and sexual function & dysfunction, sex addiction, sexual orientation and gender identity support
Trauma Therapy both emotional and sexual abuse, complex trauma, PTSD counseling
Divorce support
Affairs, Infidelity, Unfaithful, Cheating counseling
Parenting therapy
Personality disorder treatments Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic
Setting Boundaries and identifying ones own Core Beliefs
Just name some of the Mental Health issues that we work with. Our goal is to help you Change and Achieve Your Dreams
