It’s a day like any other. At work, your friend mentions a show she thinks you’d like, because her “other gay friend” watches it. You gently remind her that you’re bi, actually – not gay. “Well, I’ve only ever known you while you’ve been in a gay relationship – you know what I mean!” she blusters, laughing it off without a care. You sweep it under the rug, continue with your day. On your lunchbreak, you swipe away listicles on your phone declaring Freddie Mercury the most famous gay man of all time. That night over dinner, your partner needles you jealously over the other people you’ve talked to, making a game out of distrusting you. You note that you’ve felt kind of distant lately – from them, from everything. Have you always felt so lonely? It feels like no one understands.
You might have heard the term “bi-erasure” before – and if you’re bisexual yourself, you’ve likely felt its harmful effects. But for those who are unfamiliar with the term, bisexual erasure refers to all the various ways – subtle and overt – that bisexuality is forgotten or purposefully concealed within our society, and it goes hand in hand with feelings of bisexual isolation. This erasure happens for multiple reasons, the most obvious one being our discomfort with liminal (“in-between”) identities. Everyone has to be one thing or another. Don’t they?
In the above example, the speaker struggles with several false perceptions that others have about bisexuality during the course of their day. These ideas – or myths – become more damaging as they get repeated, and the person impacted is left with feelings of misunderstanding and bisexual isolation. Let’s take a look at some of the most common myths surrounding bisexuality as a way of breaking this down.
Let’s Get Myth-busting! Myths that Contribute to Bisexual Isolation:
- “Bi people are confused.”
- Bzzt! While people can certainly be both bi and confused, it’s usually not their sexuality that they’re confused about. Part of this myth is the idea that bi people will always eventually “choose a side” and identify as either gay or straight. This is inaccurate, as sexuality is a spectrum, and bisexuality is a valid identity on its own.
- “Bi people are all promiscuous.”
- Bzzt! People often have this false concept of bisexual people as sex-crazed, since they are hypothetically attracted to a wider range of people. However, someone identifying as bisexual has no correlation with how many people they’re sleeping with.
- “Bi people are cheaters.”
- Bzzt! Being attracted to multiple genders does not cause people to cheat; bi people are just as capable of remaining committed to one relationship as people of other sexualities.
- “Bi people are greedy.”
- Bzzt! This myth ties into the overarching hypersexualization of bi people. You might hear people say things like “Why can’t [bi person] just choose? Isn’t being attracted to one gender enough for them?” This kind of comment feeds the false narrative that there are a finite number of “good” mates out there, and when bi people “choose” to date that gender, they are reducing the number of good options for their straight counterparts. Which is silly – because people date who they want to date; it’s not a zero-sum game.
- “Bi people can’t make up their minds!”
- Bzzt! Again, while there are certainly indecisive bi people out there, they’re usually indecisive about things like “where should we go to dinner?” or “what’s your favorite movie?” If they’ve chosen the label of “bisexual,” they’ve generally already decided that they’re attracted to multiple genders, and you should respect that.
- “Bi people are ‘on the way to gay’.”
- Bzzt! Connected to the “indecisive” myth is the pervasive misconception that bisexual people need to make up their minds. As a whole, our society often subscribes to the idea that answers have to be black and white – no “in between.” In the context of bisexuality, this means that many believe that bi people are just in a transitionary phase of coming out as gay. While there is certainly the occasional gay person who uses the “bi” label while exploring their sexuality, this does not mean that all bi people are lying to themselves or others. Sexuality is a spectrum and landing somewhere “in between” is a completely natural and human answer.
- “Bi people are just ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ depending on who they’re dating right now.”
- Bzzt! People have a hard time rationalizing the big picture when they see what looks like a “gay” or “straight” relationship in front of them. It’s easy for people to leap to the conclusion that the type of person you’re dating now is the only one you’re attracted to. And, unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for people to treat bisexual people differently depending on the gender of the person they’re dating. For a lot of people, their assumptions for categorizing and understanding the world are wrapped up in their under-analyzed assumptions about gender and society.
- “Bi people always experience attraction as 50/50.”
- Bzzt! Even within a certain gender, bi people can still have a “type”! They just might have multiple different “types,” just as straight and gay people often do. Some bi people are mostly attracted to one gender with a few marked exceptions, while others have a more even split between the genders they are attracted to. It’s also important to keep in mind that a “50/50” mindset with a focus on male/female ignores people with nonbinary identities, whom a bi person can also be attracted to.
- “Bi people can’t be monogamous.”
- Bzzt! Bi people can be monogamous – and a lot are! Some people are perfectly content to date one person/gender at a time. For those who are polyamorous or meet their needs with open relationships, communication is key to upholding these connections.
- “Being bi affects your gender identity.”
- Bzzt! Sexuality is distinct from gender identity. Gender is who you are and how you fit in with our societal concepts of masculinity and femininity, and sexuality is what kind of person you’re attracted to. You can be a binary gender (man or woman) and be bi, or you can also be nonbinary or gender nonconforming and still attracted to multiple genders (therefore also bi).
- “Being bi means you’re transphobic.”
- Bzzt! A lot of people define bisexuality as being attracted to “two or more genders” – not just two binary genders. “Pansexual” is a similar label that is most commonly interpreted to mean either “attraction to people regardless of gender” or “attraction to people of multiple genders.” For that reason, the line between bi and pan can often get blurred, and the best thing to do if you’re confused by someone’s label is to ask how they prefer to define it.
Bisexual Isolation
Okay, so we’ve unpacked some of the common myths plaguing this population – next, we have to take a look at the effect of these myths on real, bisexual people. And with so much gatekeeping and distrust of this identity, a lot of bisexual people are left feeling isolated from both straight and queer communities. They are caught in the tug-of-war of “too gay to be straight and too straight to be gay” with hostility and hesitations from both sides.
A lot of bisexual people feel alone in this struggle – and that is why depression is so common among this community. Bi-erasure, and its consequence of bisexual isolation, leaves people feeling unvalued and invisible. And while invisibility can mean safety in a very narrow set of circumstances, often it just damages a person’s sense of authenticity. And when you’re invisible, it’s hard to find other people like you.
Mental Health Check-In
Have you been feeling sad or hopeless lately? Listless? Do you not enjoy the things you used to like and find yourself feeling bored or empty? Have you been eating way more – or way less? Sleeping a lot? Not sleeping at all? Do you feel run down and like you’re moving slower than usual? Have you had trouble concentrating? Do you feel guilty about something? Worthless? Have you been thinking about death?
If your answer to some of these is “yes,” then it might be a good time to reach out to a professional. Bisexual isolation often leads to depression, and therapy can be a positive outlet to explore these feelings and find solutions that suit your needs. If you feel therapy could be beneficial for you, feel free to give us a call (215-922-5683) or schedule an appointment online.
Finding Joy in Bisexuality
While the aforementioned myths can contribute to bisexual isolation, there are also many reasons to find joy in this identity! Embracing bisexuality can offer a fresh perspective on the world and a lot of opportunities for subverting expectations in fun and surprising ways. Not insignificantly, it broadens the range of people you can meet and fall in love with – and who wouldn’t be happy to find more potentially precious people with whom you can bond?
Also, when it comes to isolation, a surefire antidote is befriending other bi people! Having a community that you can share these specific, nuanced concerns with helps you feel less alone. When you’re not alone, it’s much easier to feel secure in who you are – and that, in turn, will help you endure the obstacles you might face as a result of bi-erasure.
Overall, being bi is wonderful and unique. And there is a lot of humor to be found in the daily comedy of manners that many find themselves in – the “I do both” jokes, for example, are limitless. The “bisexuals can’t sit properly” stereotype is confirmed, repeatedly and hilariously. Cuffed jeans and combat boots bring a knowing smile to a fellow bi person’s face. And, importantly, the modern fantasy RPG lets you romance whoever you want. The world is your oyster. Why don’t you go out and explore?
