Are you someone who struggles with self-doubt? Feels guilty when you’re doing well? Views the suffering you endure as a point of stoic pride? If so, then you may be exhibiting traits of a martyr complex.
There have been many names to describe this condition – “moral masochism” and “self-defeating personality” are two such titles. But “martyr complex” captures the essence of the condition quite well, because…after all, isn’t being a martyr supposed to be a good thing?
This is the thought process that many share when struggling with this condition. Being a martyr can feel terribly satisfying. And because “martyr” implies the promise of an almost divine moral compensation for enduring hardship, a person may feel justified in extending their suffering – or even putting themselves in a position to suffer in the first place. Some may feel they deserve it. Others still may believe it will culminate in some kind of karmic balance if they endure their circumstances long enough.
Regardless of the rationalization, people with martyr complexes can get stuck in patterns that hurt them and truly struggle to get out. This may manifest in sabotaging their own achievements or provoking a partner into criticizing them, among many other possibilities. In more intensive circumstances, this can also involve a lot of physical and/or mental harm to the person who thinks this way. It is not uncommon for someone to endure abuse if they’ve been taught that they will only receive warmth or attention when victimized.
So how can we break these patterns? The first step is to acknowledge the traits that make up a self-defeating personality.
Hallmarks of a Martyr Complex:
- Conscious (or unconscious) belief that personal suffering is for some “greater good”
- Feelings of sadness, guilt, and often anger and indignation
- Low self-esteem and underlying feelings of unworthiness
- Simultaneously, a sense of “I don’t deserve to suffer” and its coordinating resentment
- Focus on winning moral victories instead of solving practical problems
- Thoughts like “I’ll attack you before you attack me”
- Following that, thoughts like “I’ll attack myself first, so you don’t have to”
- Pattern of “fighting back” by not fighting at all and then later exposing abusers
- Feeling extremely satisfied by revealing the pains another has caused you
- Accusing someone of “badness” and then starting a fight to procure evidence of the worst side of them
- A history of having been rewarded for self-sacrifice
- Early childhood lesson that “people only respond to me when I’m in deep enough trouble” that can lead to a compulsion to evoke others’ sympathy in order to receive care
Roots and Causes
As evidenced by the end of the previous list, martyr complexes usually spring from some form of neglect or abuse in a person’s past. No one wakes up one day and decides “I want to suffer for no reason.” That being said, the reasons behind the urge to suffer nobly and be rewarded for it are not always clear – even to the one experiencing them.
In more straightforward cases, it can be a habit that is taught young. Take, for example, a girl who is tasked by her parents with being the primary caretaker to her elderly grandmother. Each time she tends to her own needs, she is derided for being “selfish” and “bad,” while each time she puts her grandma’s needs first, she is praised for her kindness and being a “good daughter.” She soon learns that to sacrifice her needs is to be “good” – noble, even.
So when she goes out into the world, she carries that lesson with her. When she’s craving reassurance, she takes on more and more tasks at work and at home in the hopes that someone will notice and praise her for it. But the people in her life don’t know this. They watch with mounting concern as she teeters on the brink of burnout and martyrs herself for seemingly no reason. They tell her to let go of some of her responsibilities. Confused, she asserts that she can handle it – after all, she believes her worth is tied to how well she takes on the burdens of others. But when they fail to praise her for this self-sacrifice, she begins to feel resentful of her loved ones. She’s given up everything for them, worked so hard…
As you can see, it’s easy to fall into the martyr complex when you’re raised to minimize your own self value. The girl in the example never consciously set out to suffer intentionally, but her background conditioned her to seek out those situations in order to receive praise and positive attention. This habit, learned at a young age, caused a mismatch between her expectations and those of the people around her – who were often concerned, or even frustrated, by her self-destructive tendencies. They didn’t understand that she was looking for reassurance, just as she didn’t understand why they were put off by her repeatedly drawing attention to her own martyrdom.
And while not all cases are as straightforward as the conditioning in this example, the resulting pattern of seeking attention through suffering and subsequent resentment when that attention isn’t offered is quite common among those with a martyr complex. But it doesn’t have to be all-consuming – there are ways of breaking these patterns, no matter how deeply ingrained.
Un-martyring Yourself
If these patterns or examples spoke to you, then you’ve likely struggled with social relationships as a result. Left untreated, this might cause friction between you and loved ones that gets in the way of forming deeper connections. And, in more severe cases, it also has the potential to lead to these relationships ending prematurely.
Living with a martyr complex can be isolating. But it doesn’t have to be forever!
Recognizing self-sabotage as a pattern can be a good opportunity to evaluate your routines for self-care. What do you like to do? What brings happiness into your life? Are you doing these things regularly and without guilt? If the answer to the last question is “no,” then ask yourself “why not?” What are you gaining by withholding comforting activities?
In cases like the martyr complex, narrative therapy can offer a wise lesson in “re-storying.” Namely, if the narrative of your life isn’t serving you, then it might be time to rewrite it. Take a look at your past as if it were a story – and you, the protagonist. What patterns do you notice in the main character? Are they sympathetic or unsympathetic? What themes emerge as the major themes of your life?
Now think about the kind of story you want for yourself. What would the ideal version of this “character” be doing? Is there a kinder way of interpreting their past that could lead them in that direction? What does this character need in order to grow?
In the case of the girl from the example, “re-storying” her life might be discovering that she never really wanted to be a caretaker, even though she loved her grandma a lot. Maybe the resentment she’s focused inward at herself for not being “good enough” to feel intrinsically satisfied by this arrangement begins to emerge in a different way; maybe she wishes her parents hadn’t forced that on her at such a young age. In realizing that they were the adults in the situation with all the power, she may come to see that she was a child with relatively little agency over her important life decisions. This interpretation gives her room to move forward, because she no longer feels that her suffering is her own fault – that if she just tried harder, she wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe she’ll come to realize that she deserves to have her needs met; that’s not an inherently “selfish” or “bad” thing.
Seeking a Professional
Of course, there are also times in which these techniques seem too daunting to do on your own – times in which it may be helpful to seek a professional therapist. Since trauma often plays a large role in the forming of a martyr complex, it can be difficult, and often scary, to face these memories and their ramifications. But unpacking these topics in therapy can also have a hugely positive impact on your relationships and mental health! If you’re reading this article and connecting with it, you’ve probably encountered situations in which you struggled with your relationships – but there is no need to struggle endlessly.
Help is available to you. And if your knee-jerk reaction to that is “I don’t need help,” then perhaps consider how that mantra has contributed to your struggles. Is this something you say often? When, and to whom? By placing yourself in the path of hardship, what needs are you hoping to have fulfilled?
As ever, if you’re seeking help for self-sabotage or other issues, feel free to give us a call (215-922-5683) or schedule an appointment online. Taking this step can be scary, but it can also open up a world of possibilities.
