Expressing Negative Emotions to Loved Ones

Expressing Negative Emotions to Loved Ones:

How to Say What You Need to Say and Deepen Your Love and Your Truth

In every relationship, there are disagreements. Even among the most compatible and loving partners or friends, differences in preferences will emerge at some point.

It is tempting to suppress or deny negative feelings that come up in response to a loved one’s behaviors. The idea of expressing these negative emotions out loud may seem embarrassing, needy, or dramatic. We may believe that expressing disappointment or frustration will threaten the relationship altogether. We may also believe that “good” partners or “good” friends are those who selflessly support the people they love and don’t complain or “make things about themselves.”

But in actuality, choosing to not share negative feelings that consistently come up in response to a loved one’s actions can cause greater emotional distance in the relationship. It can be difficult to trust and feel emotionally close to someone, if some of their actions consistently cause you to feel misunderstood, let down, irritated, or disrespected, and you don’t feel able to tell them this.

There is risk involved with sharing negative feelings. The person on the receiving end may respond defensively, especially if they feel misunderstood or attacked by your unexpected disclosure at how their actions make you feel. We cannot control other people’s reactions, but we can control how we deliver our message and how we choose to respond.

There are strategies available to you which can help you to speak your truth honestly and considerately. The following tips can guide you in saying what you need to say without resorting to intentionally riling up the defenses of another person or obscuring your own feelings. This is a difficult practice to master, but it can open the door to healthier and more connected relationships - both with yourself and with others.

Get clear about your feelings and what bothers you on your own
1. Offering self-compassion:

The most important first step in approaching your negative feelings is to orient towards yourself with gentleness, patience, and compassion rather than shame and judgment. It can be helpful to begin with affirmations like:

“it is okay to be upset”
“it is okay that I don’t fully understand why I am so upset”
“I still care about myself when I am upset”
“I deserve patience, understanding and gentleness, even when I am upset”
“I am able to provide patience and gentleness to myself when I am upset, even if it does not come easily”

If a critical voice comes up in opposition to any of these statements, making it more difficult to take the affirmation seriously, it can be helpful to write down that criticism.

From here, you can challenge that criticism with another affirmative statement.

Eg. (in response to “it is okay to be upset”) “No, it’s not. Every time you’re upset, it ruins your relationships and makes everyone hate you.”

“I may not have a lot of experience with expressing my upset feelings in a healthy way, but I can learn and heal little by little. Being upset is an unavoidable part of life, and learning how to better manage the times when I am upset will help me to feel more secure in my relationships.”

Journaling:

Once you feel even the slightest shift towards self-compassion, you can begin journaling to express to yourself how you feel and why.

It can be helpful to begin with the simple and empathetically spoken question ‘what’s wrong?’ This can shift the focus to your personal feelings and experiences, giving yourself permission to express anything that you wish and tell your story. This can get the ball rolling on offering yourself the validation and emotional release that you need, regardless of the outcome of how the other person will respond. This can also shift the focus away from analyzing the other person’s behavior and losing yourself and a clarity of your feelings in the process.

Pay attention to your body and how/when emotions rise up:

It can also be helpful to pay attention to your body as these difficult emotions arise. Where are these feelings taking up space in your body now? What do they feel like? Tuning into these feelings and describing their location and sensation can help you to feel more aware of and connected to them.

If you feel a particularly strong or difficult sensation in your body, like a sharp pain in your stomach or a tightness in your chest, how does it feel to gently touch and hold that part? How does it feel to gently breathe into that part?

Ask yourself: ‘Do these feelings remind me of another time I have felt this way?’ "What was going on then?” “How and why did I feel hurt then?”

It can be helpful to continue to journal and answer the questions above, especially in connection with bodily sensations you may be experiencing. If you find that answering these questions causes you to be even more upset and overwhelmed, perhaps bringing up challenging memories that are difficult to process on your own, it may be helpful to begin working with a therapist who specializes in these issues.

Define your intentions
1. Ask yourself what your intentions are for bringing this to another person:

It can be helpful to consider your intentions in expressing your negative feelings to another person. What are you hoping to initiate through this?

Commit to being honest about your experiences while not intending to damage the relationship or intentionally hurt the person.
Define the particular emotions that come up in response to specific behaviors (eg. “I feel sad when you scroll on your phone during dinner.)
Refrain from defining their intent or emotions and focus on your own.
Define what you do value and a small change that you would like instead (eg. I enjoy talking with you at dinner and feeling connected to you. I would like it if we could limit some distractions during this time.”)
Consider what you would like to know from the other’s perspective.

Deliver the message
1. Managing expectations: Before going into delivering your message, it is helpful to first manage your expectations. Even with a very well-intentioned and carefully articulated message, a highly defensive and emotionally limited person may still respond defensively or non-cooperatively. We cannot control how others respond to us; we can only control how we respond to them and how we choose to frame their response. The steps we have outlined above are still helpful to work through even in cases in which the person we are delivering the message to will not cooperate, as they help us to attune to ourselves and take responsibility for our own emotions when presenting a concern to another person. It will likely still be frustrating and disappointing if our message is not met with the kind of understanding and mutual participation we are hoping for, but even a negative (or closed) response is helpful in providing us meaningful information about a particular relationship. Perhaps we can reframe this encounter as more concrete evidence that our efforts for deeper understanding and emotional support won’t be well matched here, but we can honor that desire and look to fulfill it in other places. It can be helpful to ask yourself what it is that you are desiring from this relationship (eg. emotional closeness, vulnerability, presence) and if this person is able to meet you presently in developing those forms of connection. It may be helpful to view the relationship in a new light, accepting what it can provide you that it still positive, and what it may not be able to.
2. Opening the dialogue: There will likely never be a perfect moment to initiate an uncomfortable conversation, but you can use your own judgment to decide how you would like to open the dialogue, whether over text, on the phone, or in person. It is helpful to choose a moment in which you are not in a rush or between other activities, so that you each have adequate time to be fully present in the conversation and process whatever may come up. It is also helpful to keep in mind that if this is the first time the other person is hearing about these negative feelings, they may feel caught off guard at this new information. Proceeding slowly and patiently could be helpful for each of you in gently diffusing these big feelings.
3. Assessing for openness of response: It is helpful to check in with yourself at the conclusion of your conversation for how open you felt the dialogue and response were. Did you feel that you were communicating and understanding each other in new ways? Did you learn anything new? Has your perspective on the other changed in any way? If not, what about the response felt closed? It is again important to remember that we cannot change other people, even in our greatest efforts to. But it is helpful to view interactions honestly, not taking responsibility for the extent to which others can respond to us in the ways we would like.
4. Responding to disappointment: If you aren’t able to get the closeness or kind of meaningful and productive conversation you were seeking, it is helpful to provide yourself the space to feel this disappointment while engaging in positive acts of self-soothing. What kind of self-care is able to reach you when you feel upset or disappointed by something? For some, physical approaches to soothing the body, such as a bath or massage or yoga, may help. For others, simply sitting with your feelings in a comfortable space of your own and providing words of encouragement and affirmation may help. Returning to the affirmations from 1A could be helpful at this point too.

This disappointment may hurt, but it could also be a valuable stepping stone towards understanding your needs and desires in relationships more clearly.

Sometimes, the emotional pain and overwhelm brought about in relationships is too intense to process alone. If you would like professional support in processing your emotions and communicating them more effectively with others, feel free to schedule a counseling session with one of our therapists at The Center For Growth.

You can self schedule an in-person or virtual therapy session at the Center for Growth by calling (215) 922- LOVE (5683) x 100.

Our Guarantee: If after your first session you are not sold that you are working with the right therapist, do not hesitate to call our intake line at 215 922 5683 x 100 or Alex at (267) 324-9564 and ask to be rescheduled with another therapist. The choice of how you want to proceed is yours. Our only goal is to support you in becoming the best you possible.

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