Meeting your Metamour
Whether you are a veteran poly-partner or if you are brand new to polyamory, emotions can run high when navigating a partner’s new relationship. Meeting a metamour (a person who also is dating your partner) can be anxiety-inducing for anyone since this new relationship can mean adjustments to your schedule or changes in your relationship dynamics. If you are meeting a metamour for the first time, it can help to set up a time for the three of you to share space in a low-key environment. I recommend getting ice cream together, going for a walk, having a picnic in a park, introducing them to your favorite bar, or visiting a museum.
However, we don’t always have control over the setting, so to help walk you through some coping strategies let’s create a hypothetical situation that may be less than ideal. Let’s say you are planning on attending a friend's birthday party tonight with your partner and you know that your new metamour will be there. Below are some strategies to do before, after, and during to help you and your partner navigate the event:
Before Meeting your Metamour
Check-in with YOURSELF
It’s good practice to discuss expectations before the event with your partner. That way, you know how your partner is feeling and you can communicate to your partner about any feelings that are coming up for you. But before you can discuss expectations with your partner, the first thing you need to do is check in with yourself. Ask yourself a few of these questions:
How am I feeling at this moment?
Take a moment to scan your body. Where are you feeling tension? Where is your anxiety living? Are you feeling any excitement or anticipation?
2. When I think about meeting my metamour, what feelings come up for me?
Are you feeling any preemptive jealousy? Do you feel anxious? Excited? Do any of these emotions feel overwhelming?
3. What would the ‘best case’ scenario be for me this evening?
Take a moment to think about how your ideal version of meeting your metamour would look. Your perfect scenario could be that your partner ignores your metamour! Being honest with yourself about where you are is important. It’s much easier to compromise when you are aware of your feelings and expectations no matter how ‘reasonable’ they may feel.
4. What would the ‘worst case’ scenario be?
This is a chance to voice your worries that may feel ridiculous. If your answer is that “my partner will propose to my metamour and they will run away together and never talk to me again” that’s okay! Again, being honest with yourself and your partner about where you are is the foundation of communication.
5. What do I need from my partner at this event to feel secure?
This is the most important question and it’s also okay if you are unsure about the answer. Especially if you and your partner are inexperienced with polyamory it can take a while before you know exactly what you need. The most important thing to remember when navigating new relationships is to assume that no one is doing anything to intentionally hurt anyone else. If you can assume no harm was intended, it will be much easier to communicate about hurt feelings and discuss any changes or adaptations that need to be made.
Check-in with YOUR PARTNER
Once you have checked in with yourself, it’s now time to have a conversation with your partner. Some questions that may help spark a conversation are listed below:
Give space to hear about how each of you is feeling about the event. In what ways are you feeling nervous or excited?
What are your hopes for the event? What are your anxieties?
Does your partner want you to simply meet your metamour or would they like you to spend time with them? What are you comfortable with?
Is there anything that your partner can do to make you feel more comfortable? Some examples may be:
Check in’s at regular intervals (every 1 or 2 hours)
Giving extra attention and physical affection (making sure to be physically and emotionally attentive throughout the evening)
Make sure to have a goodnight kiss/private moment for a check-in if you are leaving the party separately
5. Set any limits or boundaries you have for the evening. Some examples may be:
Not showing physical affection with the metamour during the first meeting
When we go to a party together we go home together
Check-in at the 2-hour mark to see if you want to stay
6. Set an anxiety plan.
If your anxiety is between a 1-3 what do you do? (Ex: pull aside a friend, dance to some music)
If your anxiety is between a 3-6 what do you do? (Ex: take a walk with a friend, take some deep breaths, talk to your partner)
If your anxiety is between a 6-10 what do you do? (Ex: take a walk with your partner, leave the party)
It’s important to note that the goal is not that you will have no moments of discomfort or anxiety at the event. Many of us struggle with feeling compersion (getting pleasure from your partner’s activities with someone else; opposite of jealousy) when watching a partner interact with a metamour and you may never feel compersion without anxiety or jealousy. However, this practice is about discovering what you will need from your partner to remain secure in your attachment even when they are giving attention to your metamour.
During the Event
Whether you have decided that simply meeting your metamour is the goal of the evening, or if spending some quality time is in order, make sure that you are checking in with yourself throughout the evening. Some things to keep in mind when engaging with your metamour:
It may feel awkward or uncomfortable, but this is totally fine! Meeting anyone for the first time can be a challenge. We have little to no guidelines or examples for how this is supposed to happen, so you get to make it up together!
If you are feeling overwhelmed or insecure, remember your anxiety plan!
You don’t have to like each other! You and your partner may have different tastes in people and that’s completely fine. Remember it’s okay not to bond but it’s not okay to be unkind or disrespectful.
After Meeting your Metamour
If you are going home with your partner after the event, this is a great time to pull out some of your favorite aftercare practices. These can look like snuggling, baking something together, exchanging massages, watching your favorite bad TV on the couch, or anything that will make you feel safe and secure. Take some time to decompress before jumping into a conversation about the evening. Once you are both feeling settled take some time to discuss the evening and how it went. Some questions you may ask each other:
Was there anything about this evening that surprised you?
How did you feel when I….
held hands with my metamour
was spending time with her/him/them without you
pulled you aside because I needed assurance
3. What were some aspects of the night that felt good? Some examples might be:
I am proud of myself for getting through the first meeting
It was less awkward than I thought it would be
4. What were some aspects of the night that you want to talk about?
It didn’t feel good when…
I wish you had…
I could have used some warning before…
I need some reassurance about…
If you aren’t going home with your partner after meeting your metamour, take some time to decompress with an activity that makes you feel comfortable and safe. Once you’re feeling more settled, take a moment to journal or process some of the questions above. Are there things you need to discuss with your partner? Are there new limits or boundaries that came up for you? Did anything surprise you?
It’s important to remember that this is just the beginning of this dynamic. There is plenty of room for adjustments and compromise as your partner’s relationship moves forward. The question is not about how you can completely avoid being uncomfortable or awkward, these conversations are about how can you and your partner grow with each other while also exploring other relationship dynamics. If meeting your metamour was triggering for you, explore some of the feelings that came up. Do you need to pull back from spending time with metamours? Do you need to close off the relationship to more partners until you find security with this one metamour? Meeting a new metamour is the perfect opportunity to discuss your relationship boundaries and definitions with your partner.
While moving through this process, the most important thing to keep in mind is to be patient with yourself. Inviting a new metamour in your life can be difficult no matter how experienced you are. Make sure to give yourself the space and time you need to process and ask your partner for the support you need. Remember, polyamory is an ever-changing dynamic that involves multiple moving parts. Your partners and metamours cannot care for you successfully if you aren’t honest with them about where you are and how you are feeling. The foundation of polyamory is a combination of honesty about your boundaries and feelings and remembering that no one intends to do you harm. If you can keep these ideas in mind while meeting your metamour, you will have a much easier time navigating this new relationship.
If you want more help navigating polyamory, please feel free to reach out and schedule an appointment at The Center for Growth! You can book an appointment online or give me a call at (215) 608-0034.
