Feeling breakup ambivalence? Not sure if you want in or out of your relationship? Are you fighting for working on your relationship but feel like your partner is half out the door? Feel yourself looking for a last- ditch effort for your relationship but worried it is already over?
Ambivalence, or not feeling sure about something, in relationships appears often in couple’s therapy offices. The majority of times, people just mean I don’t want to continue doing this relationship the way we have been doing it. I’m desperate! I’m hopeless that we will get out of this. Other times people genuinely feel ready to end it. They just need a little space to process their readiness, make sure they do it thoughtfully, or want emotional closure with the help of an objective professional. This tip will explore what is discernment counseling and how it can the benefit couples with relationship ambivalence.
When couple's reach the relationship ambivalence stage, it is important for both partners to discern whether they want to continue working on the relationship or not, no matter where you fall on the ambivalence-commitment spectrum. Discernment counseling is definitely a better fit than couple’s therapy when both partners are unsure of wanting to continue working on the relationship. Other times, one person is more “out” of the relationship than the other which can make traditional couple’s therapy painful for the person who is committed to making it work. The partner who is “in” is burdened with doing a lot of the work of holding things together while they try to convince the other person to make up their mind or give the space for them to decide. Couples therapy, on the other hand, is great for couples who are both willing and able to work on the relationship together even if ambivalence creeps in occasionally. Candidates for discernment counseling have often already tried couple’s therapy. Other couples have not tried couple’s therapy yet, but feel so ambivalent they do not want to sign up for that either.
Discernment counseling is a unique approach and frame of mind to assure the ambivalent person(s) that it is different than couple’s therapy you may have already tried. It also is a shorter commitment to help folks who are struggling to decide if they want to want the relationship to get better. Its purpose is really to help both partners flush out the meaning of either decision before taking on even more pressure and having to commit to the couple’s therapist that you want to try therapy. Of course, this can be accomplished in respective individual therapy; however, a couple's therapist is trained to assess both perspectives and hold space for each person's experience to better understand the relationship ambivalence. Your individual therapist only knows your side and is missing a lot of information about the effort the other person is working on and a truer picture of the role each person plays into the problems they are having.
You many wonder if it is hurtful for either of you to push to lay out your deepest insecurities and fears to a partner who may choose to leave you afterward. Yes, you will benefit from learning how to take emotional risks, but depending on your history this may not help you take future risks in relationships if you end it. Your therapist can help you decide which vulnerability risks might be useful in helping to work on your relationship ambivalence or what to save for after you decide to fully work on it again. It’s possible you have not fully given your partner a chance to be there for you vulnerably and it would be worth it for you to give them a chance before you can walk away. If you cannot look yourself in the mirror and feel assured you tried everything and feel done, discernment counseling is worth the investment.
What discernment counseling looks like:
Your therapist will meet with you and you partner together at first and then separately. Sometimes those sessions can happen in the same day. For example, 30 minutes with each of you and then a 30-minute check-out conjointly. Other times for more ambivalent couples, it is better to schedule entire sessions individually for as long as it takes in order to make this decision, before coming back together conjointly. A good discernment counselor will recommend the structure and continuously assess the commitment level of each partner. After a few individual and conjoint meetings, each partner will have a more solid understanding of what they want and need along with a game plan for what it would look like to move forward and transition into more traditional couples’ therapy. Essentially, knowing what each of you want the relationship to look like compared to how it currently is so each partner can thoughtfully decide if they are willing to work on their individual role in the couple’s problem.
Unsure if you should try a discernment counseling approach to couples’ therapy? Call us for a free consultation!
You can self schedule an in-person or virtual therapy session at the Center for Growth by calling (215) 922- LOVE (5683) x 100.
Our Guarantee: If after your first session you are not sold that you are working with the right therapist, do not hesitate to call our intake line at 215 922 5683 x 100 or Alex at (267) 324-9564 and ask to be rescheduled with another therapist. The choice of how you want to proceed is yours. Our only goal is to support you in becoming the best you possible.
For your convenience, we have brick and mortar offices and work with clients virtually in Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.
Physical Therapy Office Locations:
Ocean City Therapy Office 360 West Ave, Floor 1, Ocean City, NJ 08226
Mechanicsville Therapy Office 9044 Mann Drive, Mechanicsville Virginia, 23116
Society Hill Therapy Office 233 S. 6th Street, C-33, Philadelphia PA 19106
Art Museum / Fairmount Therapy Office 2401 Pennsylvania Ave, Suite 1a2, Philadelphia PA 19130
Providence Therapy Office 173 Waterman St. Providence, RI 02906
Fayetteville Therapy Office 101 Devant Street #606, Fayetteville GA 30214
Santa Fe Therapy Office, 2204 B Brothers Road, Santa Fe, New Mexico, 87505
Telemedicine Therapy Locations: We have therapists who are licensed to work in Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania and Virginia and Pennsylvania
Therapy Services Offered in Fayetteville, Ocean City, Mechanicsville, Philadelphia, Providence, Santa Fe:
Individual Counseling and therapy
Couples Counseling and marriage counseling
Teen Therapy and Adolescent Therapy and tweens and child counseling
Family Therapy and multi-generational counseling
Art Therapy and Counseling no art skills needed
ADHD Therapy and ADD, Dyslexia, Autism, Tourettes counseling
Anxiety, Panic, OCD Therapy and worry and fear support
Breaking the cycle of Codependency and being your own person
Overcoming Chronic Illness and Chronic Pain .
Depression Therapy and sadness, gloom, and upset support
Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) Therapy is a particular style of therapy designed for people with problems affecting their nervous system, how the brain and body send and receive signals.
Grief Therapy and loss, End of A Relationship, rejections, pregnancy and loss and therapy
Mindfulness Based Therapy and spirituality based therapy
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery child of, parent of, spouse of, sibling of a narcissist.
Sex Therapy and sexual function & dysfunction, sex addiction, sexual orientation and gender identity support
Trauma Therapy both emotional and sexual abuse, complex trauma, PTSD counseling
Divorce support
Affairs, Infidelity, Unfaithful, Cheating counseling
Parenting therapy
Personality disorder treatments Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic
Setting Boundaries and identifying ones own Core Beliefs
Just name some of the Mental Health issues that we work with. Our goal is to help you Change and Achieve Your Dreams
